On the eve of when I should be in my E30 headed to Tacoma for the E30 Picnic, feeling especially low and missing all my friends already, I felt like I should say a few things.
First off, I haven't fallen off the face of the Earth. I'm still around, still lurking around here. I sold my E30 a few months ago, and while I miss owning it, I don't really miss it. I think that says something about a lot of the events of the last 10 years of my life. Let it be known, I'm not making any excuses for my actions. I'm not asking for forgiveness, your mercy, or your sympathy. I'm simply putting it out there.
I come from a family of addiction. Now while I wasn't addicted to drugs, I know full-well that I was addicted to my car, this place, and the community. My car stopped me from doing A LOT of things. I put it before my family, my financial security, everything. I look back on the last 10 years and think about what I could have done with all the money I poured into that car. Owned a home, had many nicer things, done more with my family, etc. My car was an addiction. I know this now because when I sold it, I felt no sadness. I felt RELIEVED. Like a weight was lifted, like I was free. Take that for what it's worth. I still feel the same.
I don't know how many of you saw recently, but Paypal was recently ordered to pay millions back to customers who lost money, got screwed, tried to file claims and were mishandled or flat-out ignored, etc. I've filed with the lawsuit to have my situation investigated again, and rest assured, if any of that money comes back, it will go right back to Yan and the site, like much of the proceeds from my car did. And for those that still think I was using the account after I "closed" it, it WAS closed. You can still send requests to email addresses that are not associated with Paypal accounts, and pay them with credit cards not linked to Paypal. Hopefully that clears that little item up.
I know I made a lot of bad decisions. I mishandled this entire situation as badly as anyone possibly could have. I FUCKED UP. When shit started to hit the fan, I ran from it, panicked, and tried to just forget about it. I don't know what I thought was going to happen, maybe I thought it would all just go away. Maybe I thought I could fix it on my own. I ignored help from people, I hid from it, I did everything I could but deal with it. And all I did was make it worse. I have pathological inabilities to face problems directly, to ask for or accept help. I deal with anxiety, ADHD, PTSD, depression, I see therapists, take anti-anxiety meds and meds to sleep without nightmares. I'm not using these things as a crutch or an excuse, I'm just trying to paint a picture. I'm kind of a fucked up guy, but it's getting better all the time. The point is, I misused my position here, I handled things extraordinarily badly, and I ruined not only my reputation, but probably a good many friendships. Even if they're ever restored, they won't be the same.
So please, R3V, all I'm saying is that I'm sorry. And I don't want anyone telling me it's okay, that I'm forgiven, anything like that. I wanted to say something, I wanted to let people know that I didn't just sell my car and run. I'm done running from problems, and I have to start facing a lot of things in my life head-on. I hope that one day, if and when the dust settles, things might be different, and I can try to rebuild my name around here. For now, I know that's something that's hard to make out in the fog, but I can still keep looking for it.
First off, I haven't fallen off the face of the Earth. I'm still around, still lurking around here. I sold my E30 a few months ago, and while I miss owning it, I don't really miss it. I think that says something about a lot of the events of the last 10 years of my life. Let it be known, I'm not making any excuses for my actions. I'm not asking for forgiveness, your mercy, or your sympathy. I'm simply putting it out there.
I come from a family of addiction. Now while I wasn't addicted to drugs, I know full-well that I was addicted to my car, this place, and the community. My car stopped me from doing A LOT of things. I put it before my family, my financial security, everything. I look back on the last 10 years and think about what I could have done with all the money I poured into that car. Owned a home, had many nicer things, done more with my family, etc. My car was an addiction. I know this now because when I sold it, I felt no sadness. I felt RELIEVED. Like a weight was lifted, like I was free. Take that for what it's worth. I still feel the same.
I don't know how many of you saw recently, but Paypal was recently ordered to pay millions back to customers who lost money, got screwed, tried to file claims and were mishandled or flat-out ignored, etc. I've filed with the lawsuit to have my situation investigated again, and rest assured, if any of that money comes back, it will go right back to Yan and the site, like much of the proceeds from my car did. And for those that still think I was using the account after I "closed" it, it WAS closed. You can still send requests to email addresses that are not associated with Paypal accounts, and pay them with credit cards not linked to Paypal. Hopefully that clears that little item up.
I know I made a lot of bad decisions. I mishandled this entire situation as badly as anyone possibly could have. I FUCKED UP. When shit started to hit the fan, I ran from it, panicked, and tried to just forget about it. I don't know what I thought was going to happen, maybe I thought it would all just go away. Maybe I thought I could fix it on my own. I ignored help from people, I hid from it, I did everything I could but deal with it. And all I did was make it worse. I have pathological inabilities to face problems directly, to ask for or accept help. I deal with anxiety, ADHD, PTSD, depression, I see therapists, take anti-anxiety meds and meds to sleep without nightmares. I'm not using these things as a crutch or an excuse, I'm just trying to paint a picture. I'm kind of a fucked up guy, but it's getting better all the time. The point is, I misused my position here, I handled things extraordinarily badly, and I ruined not only my reputation, but probably a good many friendships. Even if they're ever restored, they won't be the same.
So please, R3V, all I'm saying is that I'm sorry. And I don't want anyone telling me it's okay, that I'm forgiven, anything like that. I wanted to say something, I wanted to let people know that I didn't just sell my car and run. I'm done running from problems, and I have to start facing a lot of things in my life head-on. I hope that one day, if and when the dust settles, things might be different, and I can try to rebuild my name around here. For now, I know that's something that's hard to make out in the fog, but I can still keep looking for it.