so a guy gets pulled over and has a creative thought...

[M3 Ryan]

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!

[KenC]

LOL, my grandpa told me that one before.

[Brian 89 325i]

ok how bout this one?

Scenario: Guy gets pulled over for speeding by a cop parked under a bridge.

Cop. May i see your licence and reg.
Guy. Sure

Cop. Why were you going so fast?
Guy. Im late for work.

Cop. What do you do for work?
Guy. Im a rectum stretcher

Cop. What the HELL is a rectum stretcher?
Guy. Well, you start off with normal rectum and put in a finger or two. Then you put in more, then go to the whole hand. Next you get the other hand in, and then both arms. Eventually i get it all the way to six feet.

Cop. WHAT THE HELL DO YOU DO WITH A SIX FOOT ASSHOLE?
Guy. You give him a radar gun and park him under a bridge. :D

Thats all folks, Ill be here all week, Dont forget to tip the waitress.

Brian

[LikeCDoos]

those are great...i wonder if the first story would acually work...probalby not

[franz]

"Do you know why I pulled you over?"

"Um, because you thought I had donuts?"

[M3 Ryan]

offcier: gee son, your eyes look aweful red, have you been drinking?
guy: no, but your eyes look aweful glazed, have you been eating donuts?

another:
cop: why were you going so fast.
guy: I was just keeping up with traffic (there are no cars in sight)
cop: uh, I don't see any "traffic"
guy: yea, thats because they are way ahead of me and I was trying to catch up!

[randomtask37]

ahahahahahahah

[Erick]

All of them are awsome, but only Ryan's last one is new to me

The first one is a classic though

[bimmerphile]

NWS:

So this guy goes into a sex shop to pick some thing sup for his wife, as he is soon to leave for a few months and didn't want her to get too "lonely" that she'll cheat on him. After a few minutes of pondering what to pick up, he walks to the clerk undecided and tells him the situation. The Clerk show sthe man an array of dildos, videos, and creams, but the man doesn't think they'll do the trick, so he asks the clerk what's "under the counter." The clerk pulls out a giant 12" wooden phallus.

"My god, what is that?"
"This? This is a voodoo dick."
"A voodoo dick? What the hell is a voodoo dick?"
"Well, it does whatever you tell it to do."
"Bullshit"

The clerk then took the voodoo dick over to the closet and locked the door.

"Voodoo dick, door!" the clerk said.

Immediately, something began pounding against the door.

"This is amazing" the man said "how much?"
"Well, its not for sale, but I can tell that you really need something good for your wife, so maybe Mr. Franklin could help us work out a deal?"
"Done"

The man handed the clerk a hundred, and took the voodoo dick home to his wife.

The wife actually restrained herself quite well. For the first month, she didn't even open the bag. She did alright through the second month, but come the third she was getting antsy. Come the fourth month, it was too much for her to bear, and she yanked the voodoo dick out of the bag.

Everything went great for the first hour, then the second, then the third, then the eighth, but about the 10th hour, she was getting worried. She didn't know how to get it to stop!

"Voodoo dick, Stop!"
No luck.
"Voodoo dick, Halt!"
Again, No luck!
"Voodoo dick, cease!"
"Voodoo dick, end!"
"Voodoo dick, finish!"
All to no avail.

The wife was getting worried, She didn't know what to do, so she jumped in her car, and started driving to the hospital. Needless to say, her driving wasn't all too orthodox in the daze she was in. She was speeding up, and slowing down, swerving from lane to lane, into oncoming traffic, and blowing red lights.

Soon enough, a cop pulled her over.

"Ma'am, do you know why I pulled you over?"
"I'm sorry officer, I have to get to the hospital."
"And why is that? You don't look pregnant to me."
"It's...It's this voodoo dick. It's inside me and I can't get it to stop! I just have no control it just keeps going and going and going and I can't do anything about it"
"Voodoo dick?"
"Yes"
"My ass"

[randomtask37]

WHAT!!!

that came to quite an abrupt stop.

u just now made that up didnt u :D

[bimmerphile]

WHAT!!!

that came to quite an abrupt stop.

u just now made that up didnt u :D

nope.

You did get it, right?

[GaryE30]

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[randomtask37]

WHAT!!!

that came to quite an abrupt stop.

u just now made that up didnt u :D

nope.

You did get it, right?

i guess not because it made no sence to me at all

care to fill me in :)

edit: ...i get it now. Still, it wasnt quite the laugh i was hoping for :D

[riverdale21]

True life experiences with the Highway Patrol that actually worked. As acted out by different family members of mine:

My sister gets pulled over and the officer walks to her window...
Officer: May I see your license and registration, ma'am?
Liz: I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to that Policemans Ball, right?
Officer: What? Policemen don't have balls.... slow down ma'am.
And the cop went back to his cruiser and drove away.

My father and my sister are driving at excessive speeds down the highway because, hell thats what you do in a Porsche. While driving past a speed trap my sister casually waves hello and smiles at the officer who is pointing a radar gun at the car. The officer proceeds to pull my father over...
Officer: You know when I'm taking your picture with that thing you really aren't supposed to smile for it.
Liz: I felt it was appropriate, if someone is capturing my image I like to look my best.
Officer: Keep your speed down.

My brother gets pulled over in NC for having a headlight out...
Officer: Did you know you have a headlight out son?
Ryan: Did you know you have a taillight out?
Officer: Fair enough, have a nice evening.
Officer leaves without another word.

My brother gets pulled over once again in NC yet this time for speeding...
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over son?
Ryan: Because I didn't see you.

I was driving home from Florida for the past 8 or so hours and finally arrived back to Atlanta when I was pulled over for doing 86 in a 65. The car is still registered in my uncles name since I just bought it 9 hours before then.
Officer: May I see your license and registration please?
Tim: Yes sir, the car was recently purchased yet it is still insured in my uncles name.
Officer: Thank you let me run these real quick.
The officer returns to his cruiser where he runs the tag to find out it is registered to a man who is ex-military, ex-police, and current CIA. The officer returns to the car.
Officer: Thank you sir, the car is presently insured by (my uncles name). Do you mind if I reduce the speed you were travelling down to 79 in a 65 that way points wont be deducted from your license?
Tim (stunned): Not at all, thank you officer.
Officer: No problem, I just want to let you know that the speed limit is reduced to 55 further down the road and I have 5 units positioned there so drive carefully.
Tim: Thank you sir.
Needless to say I was very thankful for the exchange.

[Brian 89 325i]

My brother gets pulled over once again in NC yet this time for speeding...
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over son?
Ryan: Because I didn't see you.

Yeah that one didnt work for me. But one time a cop told me i have great brakes. :D

Brian