Jokes?

[LINUS]

So a guy and his monkey walk in this bar. They belly up to the bar and each take a stool.
Bartender looks a little crosseyed at the monkey, but says nothing.

"Bartender, I'll have a beer and so will my monkey" the guy says.
Bartender hesitated, but figured it couldn't hurt, and money is money.

So he turns his back, grabs a couple glasses and pours 2 cold ones. When he turns back to face his 2 customers, the monkey is running down the bar scarfing down all the bowls of peanuts!

"Hey, grab your monkey and get out!" yells the bartender. "Sorry sir, no problem - again sorry" he said as he thrust a few bills on the counter and grabbed the monkey and left. The bartender sorted the money, placed it in the register and forgot the incident.

The next day the man & his monkey came back to the same bar. Bartender gave the guy the evil eye, but since the guy paid his tab, he said nothing.

"Bartender, a beer for me & my monkey, please" said the man. The bartender obliged and turned to pour 2 mugs. Once again, as he turned around the same monkey was hopping table to table and downing the chip bowls!

"You're outta here!" the bartender yelled. The man again quickly apologized, threw some cash on the bar, grabbed his monkey and left. Again the bartender sorted the cash and let it go.

About a week went by without the bartender seeing the duo, but then that changed one particularly hot afternoon. The two came in and this time the bartender said "O.K. - you paid the other times, but you gotta keep the monkey off the tables & the bar. We understand each other?" "No problem bartender, I told him to behave himself, so we should be good".

The bartender again turned to pour 2 beers, and this time when he turned back the monkey was on the pool tables, hopping from table to table & swallowing billiard balls!
"You both get out - and don't let me see you until you get that stupid chimp under control!" "Sorry bartender - I really though he'd behave this time, again sorry for the trouble." He quickly put a few bills on the counter and grabbed the monkey and left.

A few weeks passed with out the bartender seeing the man or his monkey, but that soon changed. Again the man & monkey came in and again the bartender eyed the fellow up & down, expecting the worst. "2 beers?" asked the bartender. "Yes, sir", said the man sitting beside his rather calm appearing monkey.
So the bartender turned his back, poured 2 mugs and turned back, really expecting to see the monkey eating something. Instead, the monkey was standing on the bar, removing a maraschino cherry he had just shoved up his butt !!!

"O.K. fella, I been really patient with you and your monkey, but what the heck is this?", said a totally confused bartender.

"Well, since the billiard ball episode, my monkey fit-checks everything before he eats it."

[BimmerToad]

Fit check huh?



































Shameless I know .... good joke.

[KenC]

lame and a half

[h0lmes]

Can I have my 2 minutes back?

[LINUS]

Can I have my 2 minutes back?

2 minutes? It would go quicker if you didn't move your lips as you read.

Come on then, do one better.

[StereoInstaller1]

http://www.r3vlimited.com/board/showthread.php?t=61583&highlight=racist

[Funkmasta]

Friendship Among Women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. Not one of them knew anything about it.

Friendship Among Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over,and two claimed that he was still there.

[Victell]

Man walks into a bar and asks "What's the fastest way to the stadium?"

The bartender looks up and says, "Are ya walkin or drivin?"

Man goes, "Drivin"

"Well, thats the fastest way."

[dirty30]

A horse walks into a bar, the bartender looks up and asks "Why the long face?"

[StereoInstaller1]

2 antennas got married.

The ceremony was really boring....but.......(oh you know it is coming)............









The reception was excellent.

[Funkmasta]

2 antennas got married.

The ceremony was really boring....but.......(oh you know it is coming)............









The reception was excellent.

wow

[Jand3rson]

A small jetliner is flying across the country, when suddenly the pilot comes over the intercom and says "ladies and gentlemen, the plane is losing altitude, and we need to drop as much weight as possible to try and get the plane back up. We are going to have to dump ALL of the luggage". So all of the luggage and carry-on bags are dumped off of the plane, but they still can't gain altitude.

The pilot comes back over the intercom and says "Ladies and gentlemen, we've dumped as much excess weight as we possibly can. Our only course of action now is to ask for any brave volunteers who are willing to sacrifice themir own lives so that the rest of the passengers might live". Of course, no one volunteers. The captain comes back over the intercom and says "Alright, since no one is volunteering, we're going to do this alphabetically. Will all African-Americans please exit the plane."

So all of the African-Americans stand up and say goodbye to everyone, and jump out of the emergency doors, except for one black man and his son, who don't move from their seats.

So the pilot comes back over the intercom and says "Alright, will all BLACK passengers please exit the plane". Still, the man and his son don't move an inch. So the son looks around for a few minutes, then turns to his dad and says "Dad, if we're not African-American, and we're not black, then what are we?"

The Dad turns to his son and says "Well son, today we're waffleswaffleswaffleswaffleswaffleswaffless. And the Mexicans come before us."

[Jbpka06]

what do you tell a woman with two black eyes?





nothing you already told her twice :p

[imsotyerred]

what's the difference between a dead baby and an apple?



i don't cum on an apple before i eat it!

[MikeE30325i]

Here are a few

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, and they
end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her
around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed
with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf
all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a
little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy
bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to
mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive
side. She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's
clothes off and make hot steamy love.

After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are
lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks,
smiling, "Well, how was it?"

The guy says.. .......



(scroll down it's a beauty)





"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."


Your 1st kiss

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night
and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a
big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that
after dinner, she would like to go out and make love
for the first time.



Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get
some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and
the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.


At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family
pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.



That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent’s
house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm
so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"



The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table
where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly
offers to say grace and bows his head.



A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,
with his head down.



10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.



Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
girlfriend leans over and whispers to the
boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."


The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your
father was a pharmacist."


To prepare for his big date, a young man went to the rooftop of his apartment to work on his tan. Not wanting any tan lines, he sunbathed in the nude but fell asleep and burned his penis.
Not wanting to miss out on his date with the hot blonde, he applied some ointment to his manhood and wrapped it in gauze. The blonde showed up at his apartment and after dinner they went into the living room to watch a movie.
During the movie, the young man's sunburn began to hurt. After several minutes of extreme discomfort, he asked to be excused.
A friend had told him that milk was very effective in reducing sunburn pain. So he went to the kitchen, poured a tall glass of cold milk, and placed his sunburned member into the milk. He experienced immediate relief.
The blonde, wondering what the young man was doing, wandered into the kitchen and found him with his shaft fully immersed in the glass of milk. With a look of understanding the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you load those things!"