It is a long read but definetely worth it. If you've seen it before, don't bother readint it all.
Texas Chili Contest
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They
actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It
takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park.
The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to
the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted".
Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)
Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili... Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on
the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very
mild. Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy sh*t, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili... Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of
pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more
peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of
children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to
wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to
rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili... Judge # 1 -- Excellent
firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans. Judge # 2 -- A bean less
chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've
located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid
pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
I'm getting sh*t- faced from all of the beer...
Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic... Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no
spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.. Judge # 3 -- I
felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it
possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me
with fresh refills. That 300-lb woman is starting to look HOT...just like
this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover... Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili.
Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3 -- My ears are
ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes.
I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed
offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally
saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the
pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that
the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety... Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold
vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2
-- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulphuric flames. I sh*t on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili... Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili
with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if
the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.**I
should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit
of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3 -- You could put a
grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost
sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My
shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants
are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll
know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw
it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili... Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending,
this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its
existence. Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not
sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to
really hot chili?
Texas Chili Contest
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They
actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It
takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park.
The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to
the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted".
Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)
Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili... Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on
the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very
mild. Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy sh*t, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili... Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of
pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more
peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of
children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to
wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to
rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili... Judge # 1 -- Excellent
firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans. Judge # 2 -- A bean less
chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've
located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid
pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
I'm getting sh*t- faced from all of the beer...
Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic... Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no
spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.. Judge # 3 -- I
felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it
possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me
with fresh refills. That 300-lb woman is starting to look HOT...just like
this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover... Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili.
Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3 -- My ears are
ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes.
I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed
offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally
saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the
pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that
the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety... Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold
vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2
-- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulphuric flames. I sh*t on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili... Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili
with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if
the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.**I
should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit
of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3 -- You could put a
grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost
sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My
shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants
are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll
know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw
it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili... Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending,
this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its
existence. Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not
sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to
really hot chili?
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