Local Virgin Considering IPO of Vagina
Parrish appraises investors looking to sink “a sizeable sum” into her vagina. - photo by Tom Worger
Sources close to Leslie Parrish reported Monday that the La Jolla High School senior is seriously considering an initial public offering of her vagina. News of the possible IPO was met with a swelling of investor interest. Local market expert and fellow student Teresa Pratt stated, “If these rumors turn out to be true, this could be the biggest IPO since Patty Isler gave it up to Bryan Jenkins in the back of his Pathfinder after homecoming last year.”
Analysts have questioned why a renowned virgin would choose to enter the market at this time. Many are quick to point out that Parrish has had ample opportunity to do so in the past. Ever since she experienced substantial growth a number of years ago in key sectors such as her hips and breasts, Parrish has been in high demand throughout the school. However, time and time again, potential investors were turned away. Danny Brandenburg, her second boyfriend, commented, “That prude’s assets were totally frozen. I couldn’t lay a finger on them.”
In response to these questions, Parrish released a statement today which read: “After years of diminishing returns on my virginity savings, I have come to the conclusion that I am in desperate need of an injection of investment capital. It is clear to me now that I must enter the market in order to maximize the utility of my vagina.”
Economist Patrick Kline predicted that Parrish will encounter great success in the market: “There are those who would argue that in a market with billions of possible suppliers, there is no way for one girl to compete. However, in this particular market, demand is nearly infinite, and therefore outstrips supply by far.” Kline added, “Plus, being a virgin, she has to have amazing elasticity of supply.”
Damien Hasely, a market forecaster for Prudential Financial, has predicted that the IPO may take place as soon as Parrish consumes her seventh Smirnoff Ice at Carlos Espinoza’s house party this Saturday night. And while it is not yet clear which of the potential investors will be selected, Hasely is certain that Parrish “will be waxed, and then appropriately taxed according to her income bracket.”
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