Coming to a mall near you!

[Staticpulse]

It's a long read about the dangerous life of mall security. You should give this a read if you have lacked anything to laugh at recently. Please be aware it is long and you need something other than IE to view it without highlighting the whole thing.

Remember folks, they're watching you.

http://lonelymachines.org/mall-ninjas/

[Ral]

Just read the whole thing.... awesome read

[SamE30e]

LMAO i'm fuckin crying!!

SPECOPS writes:

Gecko45, that is a very difficult decision to make. I was faced with the same situation years ago–I was working for a smaller security organization, me were regularily rotated between 4 stations. A local Food City supermarket was designated Sector Alpha-Niner, the Jiffy Lube was Bravo-Lima-Fiver, the local $1 movie theater was Golf-16 and finally, the most coveted assignment, the local mall or Zebra-1.Back then, before the corporate sponsorship, our gear was severely limited due to out of pocket expenses. I was armed with a Glock17 (one of the first into the country, given to me by Gaston Glock personally in honor of my former black-ops experiences) and a Rem870P 14" bbl folder loaded with 000 magnums.On this particular fateful day my team was assigned to patrol Sector Zebra-1, the mall. It was an uneventful day, until the unthinkable happened…It was about 8:45PM, and the mall was closing and nearly empty. Me and my ’shadow’ were sweeping quadrant 069E, the mall arcade, a known hotspot for Asian Gangs and assorted thugs. The arcade was located at the far east end of the mall, next to the movie theater and the orange julius.I smelled trouble, and couldn’t spot any movement from the arcade, which was unusual due to the presence of a new Mortal Compact arcade game. Those Asians Gangs love Mortal Combat.I went to “condition red,” and discretely unholstered my Glock17 loaded with Black Talons. I motioned to my partner to sweep right to flank the arcade, but he was already in motion sensing the trouble in my facial expression. My partner drew his S&W 1006 and went prone behind a potted palm tree.I crept towards the arcade, when the power went out. It was an ambush! I could still see relatively well due to the full moon, shining through the building’s skylights, and years in a dark secret Russian prison center had honed my natural night vision to that of a tomcat.A perp popped up from behind the Orange Julius counter with a full auto Kalashnikov with a 75rd drum, and opened up in the direction of my partner, meanwhile two perps popped up from behind the skeeball machine with sawed off 12 gauges. Another two perps appeared on the upper level and brought down hell-fire on us from above. One had a Winchester Model 70 in .30-06 with a 10x scope and the other was laying down suppressive fire with a Mac10 variant. The perps were all sporting cheap russian NVGs.I dove under a metal bench, and lined my sights on the AK bandit. A double-tap to the chest, and a quick follow-up to the head brought him down like a sack of potatos. My partner had been hit in the leg by some buckshot but he kept fighting like a champ, he took out one of the shotgunners with a 10mm hollowpoint to the temple, while I started unloading into the glass partition that surrounded the upper level. When the sniper ran for cover I drew a bead on him, adjusted for distance, and dropped two into his abdomen. The Mac-man ran for it, at the sight of the bloody guts pouring out his partner’s stomach.I did a quick tactical reload, grabbed the 870P from the harness on my back, and did some rolls over to the movie theater and back flipped over the concession counter while unloading the 5 rounds of 000 into the skeeball machine. My partner was pinned down, I tossed the empty 870, and realized I couldn’t hit the remaining perp due to my the poor angle of attack. I had to act fast or my partner was done for. I leap over the counter again, and low crawled towards the arcade unseen. I crept behind the Mrs. PacMan game, and when I heard the perp reload, jumped up with my trusty K-Bar, and threw it into the perp’s arm, pinning him against the wall behind him.When the smoke cleared, we had three dead perps, and two very scared prisoners. My partner was slighting wounded but he would live to fight another dayl. The company goons came in fast by chopper, to cover up the situation. The remaining perps were flown to a company detention center, and we never found out what happened to them, or why they made such a vicious attack. My belief is that they were planning to hijack the coveted Mortal Combat game unit.The remaining customers and employees were paid off to cover their emotional distress and to keep their mouths shut. Later an unknown shadowy figure in an expensive black suit (obviously a high ranking company guy) came to me as I was reloading my Rem870 (in case of a second wave of attackers) and offered me the job opportunity of a lifetime…

I don’t know if I made the right decision that day. I will always fondly remember the days of mall security, the expressions on the thankful patrons you saved from certain molestation in the mall bathrooms. The look of pain in the drooling face of the shoplifter you just choke-holded to unconciousness.

Yes my new job is more exotic and the gear is better, but would I trade it all for one more day as a mall security rep? I don’t know the answer to that question.

Gecko45, just remember, you always have a place available with my company. No matter what you choose!

Stay safe brother!

[T3rd Ferguson]

Thats fuckin hilarious. At my mall the security guards ride segway (sp?) scooters with helmets and elbow pads.

[quikveedb2]

At my mall the security guards ride segway (sp?) scooters with helmets and elbow pads.

wft? learn to tuck and roll dudes. i never wear elbow pads except for when i rock my body armor for riding dh, and i've only recieved minor scrapes about once a summer on average, dirt jumping, riding street, xc, and park. it's really hard to respect any authority figure that rides a segway...

[jflip2002]

They make them wear the protective gearing for the embarassment factor. You dont want their heads getting too big, thinking they're REAL law enforcement, do you?

[T3rd Ferguson]

They make them wear the protective gearing for the embarassment factor. You dont want their heads getting too big, thinking they're REAL law enforcement, do you?

hahahahaha

[SamE30e]

I've worked security, at a hospital though. And I never once thought I was a cop. I worked with people who went all out, and got duty belts, flak vests and all that shit. I just laughed.

[Staticpulse]

Thats fuckin hilarious. At my mall the security guards ride segway (sp?) scooters with helmets and elbow pads.

Well you have to remember, the ones you see are merely decoys. We are talking about those you can't see. Those who save mayor's sons from getting molested and mortal kombat machines from being stolen sniper team Asian gangs.

haha