I was bored on another forum and wrote this a month or two ago. Figured I'd repost it here for shits and giggles.
Since apparently many of you seem to think you're special and want to go against the mold here in SoCal, I've decided to write a list of de facto driving rules for you to learn from and obey:
1. If on the freeway, always make sure to go whatever speed you want in the carpool lane or fast lane. Despite the objections of the losers behind you, going 60 MPH in the fastest lanes is perfectly fine: you're saving gas and being safe. Plus, it's America, you've got freedom and stuff. If they hate it so much, they can just pass you. On the right.
2. If you want to go fast, never pass on the left. Instead, always pass on the right: any cars trying to merge into faster lanes will have to wait for you or avoid you because you're king of the road and quite frankly, fuck them, right? If you're in a Prius, make sure to go 100+ MPH in the slow lanes: this will allow you to pass the idiots in the fast lane even quicker and will also show everyone in the slow lanes that they need to be more like you while they get the hell out of your way.
3. Is someone trying to merge into a lane and is waiting for you to pass by, especially in dangerous slow traffic? Don't let them. Speed up and get close to their rear quarter panel or next to them so they can't. Then maintain an evenly matched speed with them: this will ensure that you maintain control of your lane and assert your dominance. Plus, think of how funny it will be if they're watching you while trying to merge and accidentally rear-end the car in front of them! Hi-iiilarious.
4. Do you see someone coming up quickly behind you on either side but you want to be in that lane? Lazily merge in front of them. If they honk at you or flash their high beams, go Hulk on them: try to slam on your brakes in front of them or run them off the road. If they try to get away from you, chase them down and try to get back in front of them so you can brake-check them repeatedly or force them off the road. It's extra effective if your car is larger than theirs, plus you'll show them who is king of the road.
5. Is a motorcyclist trying to lane-share with you or pass you in your lane? DO NOT move to the side. Always make them work hard to pass you. They are a bunch of dirty greaseballs who can't afford a car and drive suicidal vehicles. They'll probably die 5 minutes up the road anyways. You pay more to drive so you're priviledged; make sure they know that.
6. Is everyone going too slow for you but you see open spaces around you? Learn to weave in and out of lanes aggressively: this will show other drivers that you are shaving time off of your drive and are more efficient than they are, so maybe they'll speed up. They will also have to pay attention to you otherwise those idiots will hit you when you're artfully dodging through the herd.
7. Has someone barely managed to avoid hitting you while you were asserting road dominance? Begin tail-gating them, honking, and throw angry gestures at them. Swerve at them a couple times too. Fuck them, they should know better.
8. Need more comfort while driving? Put your seat back far enough that your feet barely reach the pedals, tilt the chair in a 60-90 degree angle ("gangster lean") and keep one hand barely on the wheel at all times. Crank your music and kick back. No need to be alert, this is your time to be relaxed and be cool. Chicks will dig your suave driving style, even though they can barely see your handsome face behind the side pillar of the car. Make sure to roll down the window and smoke a cigarette for extra effect.
9. Are you driving along with no one in front of you but a car behind you and realize you're going too fast? Don't let off the gas and slow down by coasting... instead, repeatedly tap your brakes: this will slow you down faster. It will also confuse the other driver behind you and force them to hit their brakes too. Don't worry though, they just don't understand that you're smarter than they are.
10. Are you in slow moving or nearly-stopped traffic? Make sure to tail-gate the driver in front of you and accelerate as aggressively as possible whenever there is a gap between you. Don't worry about having to slam your brakes every 15 feet: you will feel the rush of torque in your bad-ass SUV/sedan and other drivers will recognize that you don't give a fuck about saving gas or being patient.
11. Want easy, free money? Someone pissed you off? Get in front of them and brake-check them repeatedly, or even slam your brakes hard. Make sure it's a somewhat nice car so that when they rear-end you and end up having to pay you out (due to rear-end collisions being 90-100% at-fault for the person who did the rear-ending in California) you can collect a fat check. Also complain that your neck really hurts, your back is now sore and that you pissed out a little blood due to potential internal bleeding. Why? Another check of course!
12. Just rear-ended someone? Quick! Drive off! The other driver should be in shock so if you're clever and quick, you can merge into a further lane before they get your license plate and get the hell out of dodge. If you have to, drive on the shoulder of the freeway if that's the only route of escape.
Well everyone, now you know how to drive in Southern California. These subtle nuances were probably lost on many of you previously, but now you'll be that much more of a bad-ass while driving in California. Control the other drivers or they'll control YOU!
Since apparently many of you seem to think you're special and want to go against the mold here in SoCal, I've decided to write a list of de facto driving rules for you to learn from and obey:
1. If on the freeway, always make sure to go whatever speed you want in the carpool lane or fast lane. Despite the objections of the losers behind you, going 60 MPH in the fastest lanes is perfectly fine: you're saving gas and being safe. Plus, it's America, you've got freedom and stuff. If they hate it so much, they can just pass you. On the right.
2. If you want to go fast, never pass on the left. Instead, always pass on the right: any cars trying to merge into faster lanes will have to wait for you or avoid you because you're king of the road and quite frankly, fuck them, right? If you're in a Prius, make sure to go 100+ MPH in the slow lanes: this will allow you to pass the idiots in the fast lane even quicker and will also show everyone in the slow lanes that they need to be more like you while they get the hell out of your way.
3. Is someone trying to merge into a lane and is waiting for you to pass by, especially in dangerous slow traffic? Don't let them. Speed up and get close to their rear quarter panel or next to them so they can't. Then maintain an evenly matched speed with them: this will ensure that you maintain control of your lane and assert your dominance. Plus, think of how funny it will be if they're watching you while trying to merge and accidentally rear-end the car in front of them! Hi-iiilarious.
4. Do you see someone coming up quickly behind you on either side but you want to be in that lane? Lazily merge in front of them. If they honk at you or flash their high beams, go Hulk on them: try to slam on your brakes in front of them or run them off the road. If they try to get away from you, chase them down and try to get back in front of them so you can brake-check them repeatedly or force them off the road. It's extra effective if your car is larger than theirs, plus you'll show them who is king of the road.
5. Is a motorcyclist trying to lane-share with you or pass you in your lane? DO NOT move to the side. Always make them work hard to pass you. They are a bunch of dirty greaseballs who can't afford a car and drive suicidal vehicles. They'll probably die 5 minutes up the road anyways. You pay more to drive so you're priviledged; make sure they know that.
6. Is everyone going too slow for you but you see open spaces around you? Learn to weave in and out of lanes aggressively: this will show other drivers that you are shaving time off of your drive and are more efficient than they are, so maybe they'll speed up. They will also have to pay attention to you otherwise those idiots will hit you when you're artfully dodging through the herd.
7. Has someone barely managed to avoid hitting you while you were asserting road dominance? Begin tail-gating them, honking, and throw angry gestures at them. Swerve at them a couple times too. Fuck them, they should know better.
8. Need more comfort while driving? Put your seat back far enough that your feet barely reach the pedals, tilt the chair in a 60-90 degree angle ("gangster lean") and keep one hand barely on the wheel at all times. Crank your music and kick back. No need to be alert, this is your time to be relaxed and be cool. Chicks will dig your suave driving style, even though they can barely see your handsome face behind the side pillar of the car. Make sure to roll down the window and smoke a cigarette for extra effect.
9. Are you driving along with no one in front of you but a car behind you and realize you're going too fast? Don't let off the gas and slow down by coasting... instead, repeatedly tap your brakes: this will slow you down faster. It will also confuse the other driver behind you and force them to hit their brakes too. Don't worry though, they just don't understand that you're smarter than they are.
10. Are you in slow moving or nearly-stopped traffic? Make sure to tail-gate the driver in front of you and accelerate as aggressively as possible whenever there is a gap between you. Don't worry about having to slam your brakes every 15 feet: you will feel the rush of torque in your bad-ass SUV/sedan and other drivers will recognize that you don't give a fuck about saving gas or being patient.
11. Want easy, free money? Someone pissed you off? Get in front of them and brake-check them repeatedly, or even slam your brakes hard. Make sure it's a somewhat nice car so that when they rear-end you and end up having to pay you out (due to rear-end collisions being 90-100% at-fault for the person who did the rear-ending in California) you can collect a fat check. Also complain that your neck really hurts, your back is now sore and that you pissed out a little blood due to potential internal bleeding. Why? Another check of course!
12. Just rear-ended someone? Quick! Drive off! The other driver should be in shock so if you're clever and quick, you can merge into a further lane before they get your license plate and get the hell out of dodge. If you have to, drive on the shoulder of the freeway if that's the only route of escape.
Well everyone, now you know how to drive in Southern California. These subtle nuances were probably lost on many of you previously, but now you'll be that much more of a bad-ass while driving in California. Control the other drivers or they'll control YOU!
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