Problem with my roomate/best friend - need advice (long)

[Jand3rson]

So my roomate, who has been living with my wife and I for about 6-7 months is also my best friend. We recently all moved into a house together, and things are steadily going sour between us.

In the last 2 months, he has started to hang out with me less and less, never wants to watch movies anymore (which we always used to do), and has been treating me like less and less of a friend every day. He pretty much just never does any of the things he used to do. Just about every night, he goes over to some random "friend" of his house, and just drinks and smokes weed. BTW, he just started smoking weed about a month ago, now he does it all the time. I told him that I don't care if he smokes, I just don't want it done anywhere near the house. He agreed, but I'm getting less and less confident that he's keeping it out of the house. It's a requisite. My wife has Girl Scout meetings here, I have my little brother over all the time, it just can't be here.

It's getting to the point where I want to ask him to move out. But there are two problems with this. One, he applied for the house. The 3 of us were all there together, the landlord knows we all pay rent equally, and he considers all 3 of us to be living there. But he filled out the application, namely because he wanted to get some good credit started in his name. I'm afraid that if I ask him to move out, he will try to get us thrown out. Second, the rent and bills here are more than my wife and I can afford on our own, at least for now.

I'm completely at a loss for how to deal with this. Normally in this situation, you have a talk with the person. This is the next problem. He is hyper-defensive. I don't mean just a little defensive, I mean HYPER-DEFENSIVE. Anything you say to him that even remotely criticizes him, he immediatley takes as a personal attack, and instantly gets pissed off. You can't tell the guy anything. I wrote him a page long letter tonight and left it on his keyboard so he can read it when he comes home from his long night of partying. I know I sound like a parent here, but this is starting to get really old really fast. I don't know how to approach this at all.

[Jordan]

He was always really sketch about riding in the M3, maybe I should take him for a ride until he freaks and agrees to move out? :)

Else you hold him down, and I will kick him in the junk until he is done for.

So ah.. heh... got a spare room in that house now? 8)

[Clay'87IS]

Maybe try to find a slightly cheaper place to stay with the wifey?

Or wait till you can afford it (comfortably...dont overextend yourself) and try to let hjm off nice?

Just two ideas

[rscheiring]

Man, you've got to communicate with him. Don't do the guy thing and try and solve a problem. Just talk about it. Over beers maybe? Its got to be non personal and non directional - Not "You seem distant", but "Its not like it used to be". Maybe even throw in a "is there something I or we have done, or not done"? You need to get him talking and listen to what he has to say. Maybe you've changed since being married, maybe he resents your wife or your relationship with you, maybe he feels (real or not) that he can't be hmself, etc. Who knows, maybe he wants out but doesn't want to leave you guys in a lurch so he is just withdrawing. You've got to listen, and not look to solve the problem in one conversation. Your wife could give you more insight on this too - they're better at it than guys.

Good luck dude!

[SickE30]

If my memory serves me correctly, he's lived with you and your now wife for a while now right? Like even before you were married to the girl. So It may not be that. But then again Josh, you and I both know that marriage is WAY different than dating or engagement. So your relationship with your boy could have been shifted by that.
I'm not going to be a hypocrite here, I smoked pot back in the day. But the stuff is not going to better him as a person. And if that is involved in his life to an extreme degree he is going to change, for the bad. When he starts missing bills b/c of his habit it will be even worse. Just a warning it happened with my now ex-roomie. And if you have kids around man, that stuff is most definitely UNWELCOME. Make some by-laws man No pot in the house, pay your bills in full ON TIME, dont wake up everyone in the house when you come in late. If not as much as it hurts you may need to kick him to the curb.
Josh, there is a point in every guy's life where he has to give up being a boy and become a man. you have a wife now and you cant jeprodize your future with her. i.e. bad credit from your boy missing the bills. Whatever happens man I hope it works out for you bro. Let me know if you need any help. 8)

[Jarvis]

Weed has a habit of doing this to friendships. My roomate at school now smokes at least once a day, if not 3 times. I don't smoke and he doesn't see what the big deal is. This sort of thing always creates problems in friendships. You might need to just start treating him like only a roomate instead of a best friend. If you NEED him paying 1/3 bills, then you'll have to at least just keep him around. If he's that defensive, then there probably isnt' that much you can do until he realizes how burnt out he is, then comes crawling back to you and your wife looking for a frienship. Tough situation Josh... you're just gonna have to wait it out for now. Good luck.

[LikeCDoos]

i say move out yourself to something you can afford, or see if he would move out and find a new roomie

[ColdAccord]

nownow, don't jump on the weed hating bandwagon here. I smoke, i guess almost every day. it doesn't interfere with my bills, my schoolwork, or my job. or my friendships. and yes i have a lot of friends who don't smoke.

and it doesn't necessarily kill motivation. when i did all my work on my bike last year (chain, sprockets, tires, shift linkage cover and o rings, undertail, flush mounts, sync carbs, new fuel line, etc) sometimes i would smoke with my friends before going to work on the bike, and i was still motivated to work on it. and I still did a good job

i'm saying, address your friend, not his relationship with weed. if you don't want it around the house, he should understand and respect that. you have more than valid reasons for it.

if you've been friends for so long, you have a history. you do have a friendship, resurrect it. heck, maybe you should smoke with him once just to show that you're not some married square. then I'm sure he'd be mmore compliant to keep it out of the house

[Jand3rson]

Weed has a habit of doing this to friendships. My roomate at school now smokes at least once a day, if not 3 times. I don't smoke and he doesn't see what the big deal is. This sort of thing always creates problems in friendships. You might need to just start treating him like only a roomate instead of a best friend. If you NEED him paying 1/3 bills, then you'll have to at least just keep him around. If he's that defensive, then there probably isnt' that much you can do until he realizes how burnt out he is, then comes crawling back to you and your wife looking for a frienship. Tough situation Josh... you're just gonna have to wait it out for now. Good luck.

Sounds like the bst course of action.

LikeCDoos, moving out of this place is not an option. My wife and I have waited too long to find a house to move out 2 months after moving in.

Like I said, I wrote him a long letter last night, very non-confrontational, asking him if it was something I did and things like that. Hopefully he read it, cause it's not on his keyboard anymore. We'll see what happens.

*EDIT* - Nevermind, I just found the letter, crumpled up into a ball and thrown on the table near his computer.

[bahnfire]

[Edit: I had a nonsensical post but i honestly feel for you man. Ive had tons of friends go the way of drugs/alcohol and its really sad. It really tore me apart watching my former friends change into drug users and care about me less and less. Theres not much you can do besides trying to suround yourself with people that you really trust. I know after my ordeal with a number of friends i find it much harder to make good friends because its hard to put yourself outhere emotionally again. Best of luck man, i wish you the best and i hope it works out.]

[Jand3rson]

I'm so sick of being ditched by every friend I make, save one of two of the really good ones.

[bahnfire]

dude same here. i cant count how many ove lost to pot alone.

[lowslowe30]

Sometime friendships have to be ended, as disapointing as it is. I say you should say either these are the rules or 1 of us has to leave. If he doesn't care enough about you to listen to you with out getting mad, he can't be that good of a friend anyway. But I have to ask how have people lost so many friends to weed? I used to do it everyday, and it never affected anyone around me. My friends have never had a problem with my bad habits, and now that is isn't much of a habit for me anymore, I never have problems with any of my friends pot habits.

[nando]

Some people let it take over their lives. I know a lot of people who live to smoke pot and nothing else. All they ever talk about is smoking pot, where they're going to get some pot, who has it, and the last time they smoked. I have enough self control where it wasn't a problem for myself, but this doesn't apply to everyone.

Since you say he just started, he might eventually realize that he's spending too much time with it and slow down a bit. The thing is, if he's completely stopped other activities that he used to love, drugs aren't his only problem. Especially since he's so agitated, he's probably depressed or stressed out about something and is using weed as an escape. Depression and weed don't really mix unfortunately, and you can only help somebody who wants help, so all you can really do is hope he snaps out of it.

I've kinda lost my friend in a similar but opposite way as you. We've been friends for quite a while now (6 years) and never had problems (even with drugs).. a couple months ago though, he asked me to move out (it was his house). I was going to move out anyway, so it wasn't a big deal. But now he never talks to me, we don't hang out anymore and when I do see him he blows me off.

He did get a girlfriend recently so that might explain some of it, but I know a lot of it has to do with the amount of pot he's smoking, since after I moved out his drug dealer friend moved in.

There was some tension between us (unrelated to drugs, mostly his financial situation) and also he's a bit cranky because he hurt his back at work. I dunno, I've had friends that I lived with get sick of me after a while but eventually we were friends again. I'm just going to give him some space and hope for the best. Maybe you should try the same with your friend.

[george graves]

Get the hell out of there - I'd ditch the roomie and find a smaller place where you and your new wife can start a life together...

Your marriage is way more important than your friendship to your friend. Plus, it sounds like your friend has changed - I have one or two friends that smoke out from time to time(like once a year) but it sounds like that boy is really getting into it...Do you really need someone like that around?

For me - I don't need anyone like that in my life...

my 2 cents...

George Graves