Why can't families get along?

[joshh]

Extremely general question because some families do get along quite well.

I lost one of my brothers on Thursday. I'm not looking for sympathy. Although it's been very rough as I just found out yesterday.
Doing a little soul searching as to why my brother refused to make an effort to get along with the rest of the family.....oh wait, my family is a shit hole of people who frankly are surprised when we lose a family member after not talking to each other for years upon years. Truth truly does hurt....
I made an effort with the brother I just lost over a year ago to "patch things up" but he ended up being unresponsive and sticking to his old ways (alcohol). Next thing you know, he's gone. And there's not a damned thing I can do about it.

Moral of the story, don't be an asshole when a family member is trying to fix family relations with you. Being humble and accepting is a good start...and always be willing to admit when you're wrong.

The bigger moral of the story...enjoy your family while they're still around, if you can.


I could go into my brothers childhood and the problems absolutely started there (mom allowed him to start drinking at a very early age without trying to control the situation) . But why bother....alcoholism kills. Keep an eye out for your family and stick your foot where it doesn't belong! Or at least try. I've learned a lesson the hard way.

[Raxe]

Sorry to hear that.

I've been blessed with a fantastic loving family, I'm very grateful for it. It really does start with the parents; the children learn everything from them.

[joshh]

Raxe I'm glad to here that exists and that you can enjoy it.

You're absolutely right when you say it starts with the parents. Most of the major issues I see with the kids can easily be traced back to what we learned...or failed to learn from our parents. I already (before my daughter was born) promised that shit changes with my family from here on out if there's anything I can do about it.

[LBJefferies]

Sorry for your loss.

I have never had serious family issues. We bicker a lot, and talking to my family members can be like pulling teeth sometimes, but things are still good between us and I am thankful for that. Often I am reminded of the fact that any of them could be gone in an instant, so I pick up the phone and give each of them a call even if its just to say a quick hello.

[devon.818]

sorry to hear man. be strong.

i'll share.

parents seperated when i was 6ish, mom moved to RUSSIA...yeah wierd. dad's new GF moved in. brother had already moved out, sister got kicked out when i was i think 10. so i was always put in the middle of all kinds of BS. mostly trash talking about one parent from another. fast forward to me at 16. step mom and i got in altercation, not even going into details, but it resulted in me and the pops getting physical. i left the house a year later. i email my dad every few months, last time was cause i graduated HS, he wanted to know what i'd like as a graduation gift, i said i didn't want anything from him/his "wife". my brother stopped talking to him when i left his house and my sister stopped even before that.

anyway, i miss being close with him. we used to be real good buddies, he did teach me a lot. just ashamed of what he has become, sorta like an old dog thats been beat down and has no more ambition(the new wife took the man outa him).

if i COULD have a relationship with him, i would, but he says i can't just have a relationship with him, it has to be him and the wife...i say no.

BUT, josh's story made me think, what if something were to happen and one of us died with this grudge still between us? idk how i'd handle that. hmmm.

[Dozyproductions]

I dunno it seems like some people as go opposing ways at times. The longer it happens the more people get separated into their own lives.

My family is like this. My dad no longer makes the effort to acknowledge me even though I try to say hello to him everyday. My mother and father also bicker on and off over really nothing. It's like a constant tug of war in which my mother is slowly losing her love for the world. I try to talk to my mother but she is so upset over my dad that she unconsciously directs some of it towards me, just to make it that much more difficult.

I've grown to just accept that I'll only be able to have a relationship with my father when he is ready for it. And I'll be there on that day to welcome it. Then maybe we could talk as a family about all our problems and how to deal with them. Just think that every new day is a new opportunity to rekindle the warm back into the family's hearth.

[MikeDE]

My Dad passed 3.5yrs ago, I thought he was to blame for everything that happened between him and my Mother, and I was too angry for a long time to talk to him about it. As it turns out, my Mother is a stark raving mad Manipulator.

Don't let family issues go, but on he other side, one can only forgive so many times.

[OOMPH!]

I'm sorry for your loss. Keep your head up. Sometimes it's tough to forgive and make amends but it's the right thing to do.

[BrewCity11]

Man, all you have to realize is its just a big chain reaction. If you start the blame game, its just going to go on and on.

I don't blame my siblings and i don't blame my parents and i don't blame theirs. The only way to break the cycle is to make the changes within yourself; learn from the mistakes of your family, make an effort to do the right thing and have more to offer your children.

You're going to go back and forth on this for a long time to come. Its over and there's nothing to change this or that. The only good that will come out of this at this point, is a reminder when it comes time for you to parent your kids.The best lessons learned in life are often the most painful. Good luck to you man.

[frankenbeemer]

It takes two men to make one brother. ~Israel Zangwill

Take some consolation in the fact that you tried to reconcile. Sorry for your loss.

[markseven]

Josh, sorry man.

Years ago I learned to consider the offending relative's intent before going off on or writing him / her off. 99.9% of the time, the intent was not to hurt, slight, ignore, insult, ripoff or disrespect. It was something totally explainable and understandable (once I put on my big boy pants, stopped whining and considered their perspective).

However, when I was drinking and using drugs, I was a liar and thee most selfish person within a 15 mile radius of my house. Maintaining communication with, much more a relationship with me, was not for the faint of heart.

[joshh]

Yup some of those stories are family nonsense as usual. And I feel bad either side would put the other side through that.

I'm not trying to do the blame game just trying to fully understand it and put facts up first. My mom is already gone so it's not like I'm going to literally blame her. And that's not my style. However her actions were part of my brothers failure...at least from his childhood. He had many many opportunities to fix his life and get straight.

I had already written him off and frankly expected him to pass years ago. But made an effort to fix things and see what I could do. The fact of the matter is you can't force a person to take steps to better their life. I feel like the guy made himself suffer.

Anyways, I wish things were so much simpler for families...that's all we have after all.

[Dozyproductions]

I don't know exactly where you are in life but if re connecting with your family doesn't work, don't be discouraged. You have the chance to have the family that is everything that your's isn't. Instead of be frozen in one place, you must be water my friend. (just think if Bruce Lee gave marital advise)

[joshh]

I'm doing all I can to make sure my family does not end up this way.
This (my brothers death) is carry over from my families failures. And I hope my daughter keeps the family strong even after I'm gone.

[Dozyproductions]

Good luck in this my friend.