Your worst deuce experience? NWS?

[e304me]

And why the fuck would they always throw shitty TP in a box on the floor in the portapotty?

hahaha, thats a mexican thing

[E30_Pare]

I know that feeling well. Wet shits accompanied my large wet toots. Not da bidness

[gtdragon980]

Holy shit this thread is cracking me up!

On a side note: I had a pretty bad shit experience today due to all the liquor consumed yesterday at the Coldplay concert. I must say, liquor shits are not at all concealable. I seriously thought everything was gonna go smooth, though I felt the bubbles in my stomach, until I let one rip so freakishly loud hoping none of my coworkers would hear it, with doo doo coming out simultaneously. I felt that it was just impossible to shit quietly today, since every push was accompanied by a loud outburst of machine gun farts and liquid dingleberries. Liquor really fucks with my stomach.

[E30_Pare]

^ how is that even possibru?

[Pac1373]

^ that is a great way to hurt yourself, lol,

try Sneezing, hiccuping, burping and farting at the same time. that right there is total self p'wnage. it can also result in shitting of the pants, choking on a drink and near asphyxiation

I can't even explain the violated feeling after such a catastrophic physical failure as that. it has happened to me a couple of times in my life.

embarrassing yes, but it just fucking hurts too.

Cheers,

[E30_Pare]

I sit on the toilet wait to sneeze & poop @ the same time

[ohthejosh]

I cant shit with a stuffy nose.

[Mr. Tasty]

when you guys have to take a gnarly shit and your nose is stuffy, do you leave your nose stuffy and shit, or blow your nose so you can be accompanied by the olfactory sensations?

[E30_Pare]

When I was 17 my girlfriend at the time was finally ready to have sex. I, as one might expect of a 17 year old, was excited. Neither hell nor high water was going to stand between me and my final destination.

I get ready for the night, trim everything up, shower extra well. Unfortunately there was also an issue. I have a digestion disorder that sometimes cause my sh1t to become large and quite solid while still inside me. I wasn't aware it was a treatable problem and, in fact, just thought everyone had to deal with the equivalent of anal kidney stones. I bring this up because I had a mighty one which had been loaded into the gun for several days.

Let me set the scene. Her parents are away. We have her house to ourselves. She was always a little kinky so she demands we do it in her parents bed.

I walk in to a candle holocaust. She's been working on this all day apparently, and its as bright as high noon in there with the lights off. Which is good, because she proceeds to do a sweet, sexy little dance for me. At 16, she was AMAZING. For those of you who never experienced a female at that age, I pity the fool.

Now I'm sitting on the bed, watching this dance. I smile and tell her how good she looks. Unfortunately, most of my attention is focused on the dull throbbing from my sphincter and the large amount of intestinal discomfort associated with not dropping deuce in days. But somehow I still get hard and we go to town.

She starts out on top, then we switch. I bend her over the bed, and I even smack her ass (a ballsy move at the time, but she loved it). Due to my built up distraction, I last for what seems like FOREVER. She can't stop moaning and telling me how good it feels, and then she says what every man wants to hear "I want to make you cum in my mouth." I ****ing love women.

So she goes down on me. She was always average at best in the head department but at least she tried. She pops my d1ck out of her mouth long enough to look up at me and say "tell me if you like this". Then I feel it.

She stuck her finger up my ass.

My brain hits the panic switch and every muscle in my entire body locks up tighter than a three year old virgin. But its too late.

I take a massive, PAINFUL, PAINFUL sh1t, all over her parents comforter.

No, you aren't understanding. I mean large. Huge. IMMENSE. Take your largest sh1t and multiple it by forty-two and you'll have an idea of what flew out of me.

And gents, when I say flew, I don't mean "I pooped." I mean "projectile". I mean "hurricane force winds hitting an umbrella stand". And due to my condition, it comes out as a large, dark brown, smelly harpoon.

I know it hit her. I didn't see it. She ran screaming "OH MY GOD OHMYGODOHMYGODEEEEEWWWWWWWW" but I always imagined that, due to her position, it hit her right in the chin. Or at least the t1ts.

I would like to say I got up to go after her. But I heard the bathroom door shut and I just lied there. The smell hit me after a few seconds. It smelled like someone rolled a cat in sh1t and threw it into a tire fire. I looked down and saw, to date, the largest bowel movement I've ever heard of laying on the bed. Then I noticed the blood, and when I did, I noticed the pain.

Apparently the fact that it was so large caused it to rip my ass a little bit (thought I was bleeding from the inside. This little doctors trip the next day is what taught me of my condition). There was a small pool of blood where my ass had been. A final reminder of the exact place and moment I lost my virginity. I will treasure this memory for all my days.

I grab my sh1t with my hands and go to the downstairs bathroom. I throw around 1/3 into the toilet and flush, fearing any more will clog it and only add to my already significant woes.

I stand there, holding 2/3's of my biggest sh1t of all time, feeling a trickle of blood flow down my leg, trying to ignore the sharp pain stabbing my rectum. I find myself wishing I had a photo of this.

Anyway, I finish flushing my baby, clean off my hands, jam toilet paper between my cheeks (I skipped the band aid) and went upstairs. I could hear my girlfriend sobbing from behind the bathroom door. I decided not to say anything to her and just keep moving. The smell in her parents room was abysmal. Its like when you take a sh1t and walk out of the bathroom you think "hey not so bad today," but then you walk back in to grab your magazine and go "HOLY FVCK!". It was one of those moments.

The scene is burned behind my eyelids for all time. My life. My shame. My very first time smelled like a pile of dead babies. I quickly got dressed since the heat from ten thousand candles was making the room feel more like a port-a-potty. I was aware enough to grab the comforter on my way out and drag it downstairs to their washer. Also the top and bottom sheets since the blood had leaked on through all the way to mattress. Still no sign of the GF but at this point I considered it a blessing.

I jammed in the washer with 3 loads worth of detergent and set it on spin, knowing that not even the hand of God would save these linens, let alone Tide and Snuggles.

Then I left. I avoided my GF's calls for days until she came to my house. We had a long talk about what happened. Talk being synonymous with "breaking up with me because I sh1t on her". And it was all over. She promised not to tell a soul and I don't THINK she ever did. She was probably as ashamed as I was about the whole deed. But I will always this happening as the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me.

[E30_Pare]

Anal tearing turns these stories into japanese horror flics

[ohthejosh]

A pulsating anus that is on fire is the worst feeling ever.

[spike68]

Fucking hot wings night. I had firey runs for days.

[ohthejosh]

same thing here after my leg/knee injury. eating somewhat normal for about a week, on tons of pain meds, feel the need after 6 days, get to the toilet, almost blackout from the pain, blood and poo completely filling the toilet. my starfish was weeping blood for about 2 days after that. it sucked.

I was scared to poo for the next two weeks. I avoided all remotely spicey foods.

[ieatpeople]

anal destruction

same thing here after my leg/knee injury. eating somewhat normal for about a week, on tons of pain meds, feel the need after 6 days, get to the toilet, almost blackout from the pain, blood and poo completely filling the toilet. my starfish was weeping blood for about 2 days after that. it sucked.

[m73m95]

How many of us have done the penguin walk through a store, just to barely make it to the shit stall?

Everyone knows the walk, and for some reason every isle leading to the bathroom is filled with people. You try to look calm and collected as you walk by. Maybe even stop to look at something on the shelf (because you need to squeeze your cheeks again to gain a little more grip of the situation). As you saunter through the store (Always a big store like Target or Lowes), going slow enough to not cause a scene, but quickly enough so you make it... everyone can see the sweat pouring off of your brow.

Trying to be inconspicuous is the most conspicuous thing of all. The voice in your head is screaming in horror, and crying in misery...yet your outside demeanor is cool. Suave.....as you shuffle step to the loo.