Your worst deuce experience? NWS?

[E30_Pare]

Hahahaha. I still love this thread. <3


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[ajhostetter]

10/10, would read again.

[flyboyx]

^lol! good one.

[kickinindian]

I have one from a couple weeks ago, I work dispatching for casino security, so I'm stuck in an office and have to be relived whenever I have to take a break.
On Mondays we have a skeleton crew and if anything happens I'm basically fucked. So I had taken my first break about 2hrs in and they had taco day so I had them whip me up a pair with ground beef. (later I was told it was sitting in its juices so it was pretty much just shit lube).

All was good tacos were tasty and I head back to the my hole. Right around lunch time I get the urge but I'm only 5min out from my break no biggie right?
Nope, within those 5min I had a stolen purse, a guest medical where I had to call EMS, and a bunch of casino procedure stuff involving moving lots of money.

I was fucked my relief was hung up and I was in it for the long haul

First came the farts, they were like contractions they started to get closer together and within 15min I was in a small room gagging on my own ass musk.

Then the bells start to toll my underwear were in imminent danger as I was starting to get the stabbing pains and wet fact bubbles.

All while having to hold my verbal composure and concentrate on my dispatching.

Then just before I was content with the thought of sitting my pants and the 10sec of ecstasy it would bring. The door clicked open and my corporal told me to go to lunch.

I told him to get the fuck out of the way and ditched my usual quiet bathroom spot since it was too far. I opted instead on the bathroom our GM and directors use, for VIP clients. Swanky stuff.

I barely made it in time, I was sitting above Montezumas hidden treasure that just slipped out of my ass thanks to the oil and lard soaked beef. Oil ring on the bowl and all.

The next day I come back and during our briefing we are told the executive bathrooms are locked and that we cannot use any of the bathrooms clients or guests use anymore.

I was impressed with myself

[2mAn]

^^^^LMAO!!!

I was really sick last week and was basically on a liquid diet of apple sauce, chicken noodle soup and as much water as I could drink. I mistakenly thought I could simply release the fart I was feeling... NOPE. You can imagine the rest, luckily I was home and could just shower as soon as the fiasco was over

[flyboyx]

time to bring this thread back to the top.

a couple weeks ago, i had an overnight in san francisco. for those of you familiar with the area, we stay at the holiday inn in burlingame just south of the airport. the guy i was flying with was a cool cat so we hung out most of the day. after a walk through that park with all the eucalyptus trees, we headed west bound to find lunch in burlingame proper.

there is a ramen house on california street that i absolutely love. unfortunately, every time i go there and eat a bowl of noodles, i get these incredibly explosive shits. i think they probably use msg and there is a really good chance i am allergic. i wasn't very excited about eating there because of this reason, but the other pilot was gung ho! so...i figured i would come up with a game plan: i decided we would eat lunch and loiter around for about 15 or 20 minutes until i was ready to mess up their bathroom. unfortunately, it didn't work out that way for me. when we finished eating, he was in a big hurry to get back to the hotel for some reason. i was kind of reluctant, but i figured that if i b-lined it the 7 or 8 blocks, my timing would work out ok.

unfortunately, this was not the case. on the walk we passed by that indie bmw shop that has all the 02's and e30's sitting out front. the german guy that runs the place was standing in the lot and recognized me from the last time i was in town. he came out to the street to chat for what seemed like an agonizing period of time. he wanted to show me this rusty maroon Tii that was sitting on the street. by this time pressure is building and i am just dying to get my ass on a toilet. at some point, i had to cut him off and make a run for it. the guy i was flying with was probably thinking: "WTF"? anyway, about 3 blocks into my sprint, i start feeling lots of belly pressure and a serious case of the sweats. i stop for about 20 seconds to clench up. the other guy is like: "hey, man....are you ok?" i come clean and let him know that i really really need to blast one. god bless him. he was really trying to help out by offering alternatives such as other hotels and gas stations that were near by. none seemed like very good options so i just kept making my way to the hotel. i don't remember for sure, but i would say i probably had to pause 5 or 6 times on the trip back. as i stepped onto the hotel parking lot, i launched into a full sprint for the lobby. i knew there was no way in hell i would make it up to my room. we actually passed one of our crews getting onto the hotel van heading for the airport. someone actually recognized me and said hello as i sailed past. no time for that.

as i busted into the lobby, i did that quick scan for the powder room. i had to stop one more time to do a really hard clench. as the pressure subsided a little, i trained my focus back to my mission. i made a b-line for the first stall and ripped my drawers down and turned to sit. no time to even build a nest. as i was sitting down a geyser hose of turd started spraying out of my ass.

REEEEEELIEEEEF!!!!!!! jesus christ! thank god, i just barely avoided shitting all over myself by a millisecond or two!!! ah man....it smelled so bad. i think the kaiser could have used my essence in place of mustard gas during WW1. after a couple of minutes to collect myself, i started wiping my ass. i noticed that i kept wiping and wiping and never seemed to come clean. what the hell? pretty soon i did some reconnaissance in order to figure out what the problem was. about this time it dawned on me that as i was sitting and shitting, i somehow partially missed the hole. basically, i sat in my own hershey squirts! damn it!!!!! yuk!!!


another 10 minutes of scrubbing plus the use of almost a complete roll of paper to clean up myself and the toilet. somehow the flush took it all down. i honestly thought it was going to overflow. at least i had one thing working in my favor. after this fiasco, i went straight upstairs and jumped in the shower.

that sucked so bad!!

[funcrew]

I work at the County sewer plant in Las Vegas. I currently clean up 103 million turds a day (assuming one sewer trout per gallon). Anything that happens off the clock is not going to be a challenge.

[dlmrun2002]

I got some land. Walking in the woods with my dog. Nature calls. Drop a doogan. Wipe clean with some oak leaves. Walk some more. Where's my dog? She come's running up to me. WTF??? You know dogs. They like to roll in smelly shit. My dog rolled over in MY shit !!!!!! All over her neck. Classic. I bury my doogans just like a cat now..
dlm ny country

[15Michaeljoseph]

HAHAHAHHAHAA


--Mike

[ThatOneEuroE30]

growing up in rural michigan, my parents had a 60 acre hobby farm. my dad used to take me to lots of farm equipment auctions when i was in school.

when i was probably a sophomore, we went to one of these sales in the middle of march so there was a good bit of snow on the ground and it was pretty fucking cold. they had a couple porta potties spread around the field so people wouldn't have to piss on tractor tires or whatever. about 9:30 am, i went in to one of them to take a wiz and was pretty disgusted by how many turds were already floating around in the pool down below. it was fucking disgusting! i started wondering what the hell these people eat?

sometime a little later in the morning we were watching gravity wagons sell. there were about 4 or 5 other kids running around that were about my age. they were goofing off, having snowball flights, and just generally having a lot of fun distracting everyone from what was supposed to be going on there that day.

one of the boys went into the porta potty of doom. the others seemed to think it would be a fantastic opportunity to fuck with that poor bastard. as soon as he latched the door, one kid held the door closed while the other ones threw snowballs at the mesh screen on the top of the shitter. they spent about 3 or 4 minutes pelting the poor bastard with a snow shower. apparently they figured that didn't have the effect they wanted, because the next thing i see is the four on one side of the crapper pushing it over!

man, i really felt sorry for that little bastard. he came out looking like someone dunked his ass in a blue sewer. he even had someone's shit smeared on his face.

this right here is gold

[LJ851]

bump

[THEhomelessONE]

I wish I went to camp more. Only time I ever went was in elementary school for what was supposed to be a 3 day trip to Catalina Island. The only stalls had no doors, and as a little 13yr old kid I was to scared to shit. It was a complete mind over matter experience as we were marooned on the island for 6 days instead of the scheduled 3 due to high winds. Ever imagine what its like to shit a 6 day old compacted deuce baby? That crap took my anal cherry, and the splash back went it hit soaked my entire ass with toilet water.

Similar experience, 13 or 14 in Yosemite for 5 days.
Hate spiders with a passion, keep a can of Raid in my room at all times. Biggest spider I've seen in my life tickled my leg 10 seconds after sitting. Almost ran out of there with my pants off.
Thought I was going to die after day 4, completely miserable. Finally made it home expecting to spend the next 5 hours on the porcelain, over in minutes. One large turd rivaling lead in mass. Bowel movements were off the next week or so, permanent damage had been done.. Yosemite... never again.

This thread had me rollin lol

[BlackSpeed66]

Working out of town (Cleveland) living in an extended stay. Forgot I had clogged the shitter the day before with the remnants of what was at least a 1lb corned beef sammich it wasn't cleaning lady day till the following day. Well the sammich was so damn good I had another the following day....having a fear of pooping at other toilets other than my own I prairie dogged it all day, really sucking it in during traffic on the way back to the room. I run into the bathroom to a full bowl from the previous night..... No time to make it to the pool bathroom I weigh my options..... Garbage ca (too much stank) bathroom sink( hole too small, would def choke it) shower??? (Maybe try to destroy logs with water blast? Nope, gotta take showers still). Alas I didn't use the kitchen at all, garbage disposal plus large mouth sink hole..... So bombs away!!! Let the water run for a couple hours and dumped a full bottle of dish detergent .... Never to set foot I that kitchen again

Being a Clevelander - I have to ask - what place was it that you ate at? Slyman's on St. Clair downtown?? They are famous for their corned beef!

[flyboyx]

growing up in rural michigan, my parents had a 60 acre hobby farm. my dad used to take me to lots of farm equipment auctions when i was in school.

when i was probably a sophomore, we went to one of these sales in the middle of march so there was a good bit of snow on the ground and it was pretty fucking cold. they had a couple porta potties spread around the field so people wouldn't have to piss on tractor tires or whatever. about 9:30 am, i went in to one of them to take a wiz and was pretty disgusted by how many turds were already floating around in the pool down below. it was fucking disgusting! i started wondering what the hell these people eat?

sometime a little later in the morning we were watching gravity wagons sell. there were about 4 or 5 other kids running around that were about my age. they were goofing off, having snowball flights, and just generally having a lot of fun distracting everyone from what was supposed to be going on there that day.

one of the boys went into the porta potty of doom. the others seemed to think it would be a fantastic opportunity to fuck with that poor bastard. as soon as he latched the door, one kid held the door closed while the other ones threw snowballs at the mesh screen on the top of the shitter. they spent about 3 or 4 minutes pelting the poor bastard with a snow shower. apparently they figured that didn't have the effect they wanted, because the next thing i see is the four on one side of the crapper pushing it over!

man, i really felt sorry for that little bastard. he came out looking like someone dunked his ass in a blue sewer. he even had someone's shit smeared on his face.

[flyboyx]

I was a camper. It's called Young Life, and it's for senior high and college students. I'm going to be a senior this year so I was a leader, and there was an upcoming freshman in my cabin whom I made clean the shit.

Some religious stuff, mostly things about the passion of Christ and basically how to turn back to God in your life. This is my 4th year going, so it might have meant a bit less to me than my first time going which pointed me (and my then-almost-non-believing mind) in the right direction.

also, parasailing, tubing, waterskiing, sailboats, kayaks, frisbee golf, ga-ga, volleyball, pretty girls, awesome food, and comedy acts. Pretty good week overall I'd say.


--Mike

Ok.....we are all thinking it but someone has to ask.........

Did this camp come with the catholic priest experience?