Nonsense Thread

[Mediumrarechicken]

Man, the short penis story is going to be hard to top.

Short story from last night.

I out with some friends last night. We were at this bar, which was super crowded, so getting drinks took at least 20 mins.... My friends went to grab some drinks, while I hung around holding our spot down. This large, sweaty woman walks up and stands next to me, obviously looking for some attention. None was given, immediately, at least. Now, I've been standing next to her for at least 20 mins by myself and she finally breaks the ice by asking, "are you here alone?" As she said that my friends are walking back with the drinks. She noticed I wasn't there alone at that point and started to tell me how she didn't want to intrude, but I'm a nice guy and told her I didn't mind if she wanted to hang around and talk some shit. She's also pretty drunk. She started to hit on me super hard--she was fearless. Everything i said was followed by a giggle from her and an arm rub. Not cool, she took a genuine invited to hangout as an invitation to my dick at some later point in the night.

We only had one bar stool, that I was sitting on at the time. She asked me if she could sit down, because she had a fucked up leg. Of course, I gave it to her. As she sits down one of her nasty fucking white flip flops falls off her feet. NASTY, it was white for crying out loud, you can see the toe jam, dudes. We live in long beach too, so you're walking everywhere. There are some hard miles on that flop. Also, she's wearing a short dress... She then say's, "is no one going to help me out?" FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

Literally, 10 seconds of exchanging looks between my friends and I. And of course, being the nice guy that I am.... I pick up this damp, nasty toe jam flip flop... My hand turned into tweezers. I grabbed it using as little surface area as possible. To top it off, this woman is not sitting cross legged either, so I can see and SMELLLLLLLLLLLL HER NASTY ASS GINA WITH A CLEAR VIEW OF IT. I almost fell backwards. That shit punched me in the face so hard, it was bringing a tear to my eye.


My stupid fuck of a friend starts to make Cinderalla comments about our current exchange... and she was loving it. In her drunk universe, this was it, I was her fucking man.

After my friend said that shit, I just got up and left LOL. I moved to the darkest corner of that bar and rode the night out there, safely.



There is my excessively long story about putting a flip flop on a drunk chick.

Hahahaha. You should have asked her if she working on a sourdough starter with her cooter. Then ask what bakery she's working at so you never go there

[ThatOneEuroE30]

Fat chick stories are always the best.

[MrBurgundy]

I got a few more vagina stories.... here another short one.

I was at a music festival, sitting on my windpouch, by myself (its a big balloon couch, for those that don't know what that is.) I'm tripping, watching a set, having a great time. Out of nowhere, this girl, who is a damn gross, dirty hippy? Idk where to categorize her. She's wearing a choker with leash on it and a bikini, but she plops down right on top of me and lays across me. She starts talking to me and I'm on different planet, so I just want her to go away. She starts telling me how she lost her friends.. I was like, "they should have held on to your fucking leash, girl..." (i crack myself up)-- at this moment, I knew she was trying to stay for a while.

After about 30 mins, she starts fishing around for something...

Guys, she pulls her bikini bottom down, and shoves her hand in her vagina and starts fishing in there, for a good while. She finally pulls out a bag of pills!!!!!!!!! TAKES A BUNCH OF THEM AND PUTS THE SAME HAND AROUND MY NECK.



I was having such a good time... such a nice time...

after sitting there, tripping balls, with this gina hand around my shoulders, freaking the fuk out, she gets up to go to the bathroom and I pick up my huge windpouch and BOUNCE! I was sprinting and jumping over people sitting down, running for dear life.

Damn hippies.

[MrBurgundy]

Hahahaha. You should have asked her if she working on a sourdough starter with her cooter. Then ask what bakery she's working at so you never go there

Bro, her vagina was no bakery, it smelled like an abandoned dairy farm hahahaha

You would have still smashed. ;p

[flyboyx]

I did not know what a windpouch was. I you tubed it and found a video of a guy setting it up in his back yard. As someone is starting to lay down on it, two dogs come up and start fucking. God bless youtube!

[MrBurgundy]

I did not know what a windpouch was. I you tubed it and found a video of a guy setting it up in his back yard. As someone is starting to lay down on it, two dogs come up and start fucking. God bless youtube!

haha dogs are the best....

Those windpouches are awesome. highly recoomend one of those if you're into chillin'.

Now just imagine that girl on top of me, practically fisting herself to get her pills out of her vagina on one of those.

[2mAn]

Nonsense Thread

At Fresno state, I wasn't in a relationship but a few of my friends were so I was always trying to smash the girlfriends' friends. My buddies girlfriend lived with his female cousin, this cute little Mexican and this other girl, a thick white girl. I don't remember any of their names.

I had been trying to smash the little Mexican, and was always flirting with her. We'd all be drinking there and my friend would always end the night leaving with his GF so I'd hang out there and keep drinking with the girls. Most of the time the cousin and the little Mexican would pass out and the thick girl would try to bang. After resisting her, I finally said fuck it and would just bang her, and then I would bang her all the time after that. Being the asshole that I was I would still come over and basically flirt with all of them and inevitably smash the thick girl. She gave really good head lol

Finally one night, the thick girl wasn't around and I was making good progress with the Mexican. My friends cousin disappeared because she was hammered, so it was time to make it happen. She was down too because the thick girl would tell them how good I was so we headed to her room and started going at it. When I finally get her panties off the smell was death but dammit I had been working on this for months so I kept at it and finished. I bounced out ASAP. I basically stopped hanging out there after and the funny thing was the cousin also wanted to bang me and was actually drunk half passed out in the bathroom of the little Mexican and heard it all go down.

I was such a jackass back in college lol no regrets

[GunnarE30]

Lol

[E30 Wagen]

Early this week I drove over 90 minutes to a dying, dirt-poor town in the middle of nowhere to a junkyard to pull some parts off a car and got to witness some pretty intense redneck drama.

As I pulled up it looked like any other scrapyard with a dirty front office and shit laying everywhere. But at the front counter was an absolute gorgeous brunette girl, probably 18-20, the owner's daughter likely. Regardless, I kind of wanted to just stay and chat with her about what the hell a girl like her is doing in a place like this, but opted to ask about the car I came to take parts off and she directed me to where it was in the yard, which happened to not be far from the front office.

The car was smashed hard in the front so I needed help prying the hood open, and even though it was their lunch time, the yard owner and everybody there was super nice and gave me a hand getting the hood off. With that done I started unpacking the tools I needed which required a few trips between my car and the yard, which meant I had to walk past the front office where the girl and who must have been her parents were eating.

During one of my trips I start hearing screaming. At first I thought it was laughter but then realized this family was full on screaming at each other. Actually it was mainly the girl doing all the screaming, yelling at everybody about why she's upset, about her parents beating her and causing her real mom or dad to leave (didn't really get the details, but it was definitely something about her family). The whole scene was just a total nuclear meltdown and it was super awkward walking by the office about 3 times with all my tools and stuff, trying to pretend I couldn't hear anything. The other guys who worked there were eating nearby and couldn't help but chuckle about it.

So this scene goes on for about an hour, and since the car I'm working on is up by the office I pretty much hear everything. Can't really tell what they're saying but damn, that girl was having a complete emotional breakdown and it was super awkward being the only customer there. It took me a good 3-4 hours to do what I had to but regardless I definitely wanted to avoid that front office for as long as possible. At the end of the day the girl was of course gone, which was kind of a bummer. The owner was super cool though and gave me a decent deal on everything.

I gotta go back there next week for more, wonder if anything will happen.

Sorry for no funny sex story. Best I got is 10 years ago meeting a girl who wanted to hook up, but she was super shy and awkward during our "date" so I didn't really understand until afterward that she wanted the D. I chuckle about it now because even though I was a moron, she was a strange, anxious girl that had scoliosis. She told me about how she had separation anxiety with her mom until about 4th grade. Cute girl but it was like trying to have a conversation with a wall, and it turns out she was hooking up with random guys off myspace, which just seemed wrong given the kind of girl I thought she was. Ah, the myspace days...

[2mAn]

I remember a girl telling me she wanted to be sodomized and I didnt know what it meant at that time so I pretended not to hear her... she was a fun booty call

[flyboyx]

I remember a girl telling me she wanted to be sodomized and I didnt know what it meant at that time so I pretended not to hear her... she was a fun booty call

find a hole....any hole.....

[2mAn]

find a hole....any hole.....

I know I know, have tried it not my style...

BTW I feel like we're waiting for a nice story from you buddy...

[flyboyx]

old lady tried to get in flyboyx's pants #1

back in about circa 2000, i was hired at my first regional airline. all of us were really poor and made shit money, so the solution was to rent a bed in what airline people call a "crash pad". it was 10 beds jammed into a two bedroom apartment. if i remember right, i think the rent was about 150.00 a month. this particular one was run by a continental airlines flight attendant. she was an older southern lady, pretty decent looking, divorced and bat shit fucking crazy. she actually reminded me a lot of the lady in my story from last week about getting sodomized in the ass with the horse cock.

i can think of a half dozen situations where this lady made me feel pretty uncomfortable for one reason or another. basically she was always flirting with me pretty hard and i was always trying to avoid her advances.

one day, i was hanging around the apartment with about 6 other pilots and the phone rings. against my better judgement, i answer it. on the other end is the flight attendant calling to ask if any of us want to go have wednesday night $1.00 budweiser long necks at some red neck bar down the street a ways. so.....the first thing that comes to my mind is that there is no way in hell i am going to go drinking with this lady by myself. i ask her to hold the line while i go around the crash pad and ask all the other guys if they are interested in going. of the 6, 5 say they are game. ok then! i pick up the telephone and tell her that we will probably need to take two cars. she says great! she needs a couple hours to get ready and she will be there to pick us up.

about this point, everything goes to hell. from the time i hang up the phone and the time she arrives, every one of those lame ass, dick sucking, loser assholes decides to bail. mother fuckers!!!!! now i am stuck in exactly the position i didn't want to be in. i am going to be hanging out with this crazy cray-cray all by myself with alcohol involved. shiiiiiiiiiit!!!!!!!!!!!! i could have told her to fuck off once she arrived but thats not me. i felt like i gave her my word and was stuck with it for better or worse.

most, if not all, of these guys knew she had a hard on for me and now that they know i'm stuck in this situation, they start giving me shit. saying things like: hey man, just jump on the grenade! maybe if you bang her, she will lower our rent! crap like that. fuckers! to this day, i will occasionally run into one of these guys and they still give me shit about it from like almost 20 years ago.

a couple hours later, she shows up and i have to tell her that it appears i am going to be the only one going. apparently, she doesn't seem disappointed in the least bit. its still daylight when we get to the bar and we take a seat at a high top table. she buys me dollar budweiser longnecks all night and she is drinking fucking cheesy ass white zinfandel. i figure i am stuck here for a good long time so i start thinking about topics of conversation to help pass this long ass evening. lets see....what do we have in common? airlines! yes! thats it.

the best way i could describe this "alice in wonderland" conversation would be to call it a tennis match. i would throw out something about continental announcing that they are retiring the Boeing 727. Wap! balls in her court. Wap! she would start talking about blow jobs. Wap! my court. i would talk about Gordon Bethune, the legendary CEO of continental airlines at that time. Wap! ball is in her court. she talks about anal sex.....

and so it went pretty much the entire night. i took her out on the dance floor a few times so i wouldn't have to talk to her. i did my best to point out every red neck chick in the place and tell her that i wouldn't mind having sex with this one, that one, or anyone really(other than her). nothing got the point across in any sort of subtle way.

finally, several hours later, they turn on the lights. at about 20 minutes to 2am, they start pushing people out the door. i see the light at the end of the tunnel. i can't wait to get back to the apartment and get the fuck out of this situation.

we are both somewhat drunk when she drives me about 1.5 miles back to the c-pad. i expected she would have pulled up by the door and dropped me off. nope. apparently she had other ideas. she drives all the way to the very back of the apartment complex and parks between a box van and an f350. most of the street lights are burned out back there and its really dark. she turns off the engine. awkward silence. she slides over, climbs on top of me, sticks her hand down my pants and her tongue down my throat! fuuuuuuuck!!!! survival instinct takes over! i somehow get my seatbelt unbuckled, the door open, and slide out from under her in a millisecond or two..... i am just standing there awkwardly by the door and about the only lame ass thing i can come up with at this point is: "well, ok then... good night!" i run-walk back to my apartment as fast as i possibly can. all those shit heads are asleep, but they spend the entire next morning giving me hell. i tell them what happened and how i got myself out of there.

this was the first time in my life i've told people i didn't fuck someone and they didn't believe me. yuk. i spent the next week feeling like i needed to take a perpetual shower to wash her stinky old lady perfume off me.

[IceWhite]

old lady tried to get in flyboyx's pants #1


this was the first time in my life i told people i didn't fuck someone and they didn't believe me. yuk. i spent the next week feeling like i needed to take a perpetual shower to wash her stinky old lady perfume off me.

What makes you think we believe you?

[flyboyx]

lol.