The Official "How Do You Wipe Your Ass" Thread

[VANOS714]

^^^ are you ok? lol

[u3b3rg33k]

[slammin.e28]

Am I already in this thread? Too lazy to search.

I'm a font to back, fold, front to back, toss kinda guy. Sometimes back to front to go against the grain from time to time.

[gtdragon980]

Question 1: How much paper; do you use a lot or a little? If you use a little amount, aren't you afraid of touching residues of shit with your bare hand? If you use a lot, do you ever wonder how much extra money you spend a year on TP to satisfy your needs? Do you count the squares you use, or just 'wing it?' And finally, do you fold the squares neatly or wad it up like a piece of trash? **Bonus points: do you use baby wipes?**
I use about 4-5 squares, since the TP I use is pretty thick. I usually drop a little lower that than for my second or third wipe, depending on how much residue is still left. I always count my squares and I fold them neatly. Occasionally use baby wipes when available.

Question 2: What is your angle of attack? Do you swoop around the side and go back to front? Front to back? While on the can or off? Do you bend over like a cripple and reach through your legs to get the treasure? Maybe you do something odd, like stand up and do it. Do you wipe at all?
Front to back, on the can, then stand up for the last wipe.

Question 3: How do you know you're done? Do you inspect the damage done to the TP and gauge it that way? Do you do it based on feel? Do you wipe until there's no more brown on the TP? If you do do it more than once, aren't you concerned about clogging the John?
I always have a 3 square test wipe after my 3 wipes to make sure nothing is left, but it also depends on how wet or dry the poo may be. Wipe till brown is gone, never clog the toilet.

Question 4: Do you wash your hands? With soap? With hand sanitizer? With your pants? If not, is it because you like to sniff your fingers throughout the day because you lack the ability to fart on command and get lonely when you're without that, "Oh, that was a little wet," scent?
Wash with sulfuric acid to be sure that there is no residue left on my hands.

[Xat1cZ]

[Pac1373]

Here's a Link Graham, I forgot to mention it also blow-dries your Junk too! Impressive No?

http://www.ca.kohler.com/onlinecatalog/detail.jsp?item=13404402&section=2&category=13&subcategory=117&retail=false

[Joe G]

Taking a frightening dump, in the library..shitty TP is my only option. I apologize to my anus in advance.

[CreamE30]

What about this one guys?

[slammin.e28]

B. Definitely B.

With A, your hand hits the wall. Thus taking a toll on your wall, the paint, etc. If you're in a real hurry, you may even put a hole in the wall. Also, germs get on the wall, then they get on your hand, thus being transferred to your TP, and eventually onto your asshole. Then you contract AIDs and die. WALL AIDS.

Not to mention if you live in an old house and have lead paint. Fuck having a lead asshole.

[mrsleeve]

We have cats. We must use position A. If B is used with in an hour one of the critters will have the entire roll un-spooled onto the floor.

[slammin.e28]

Wow, lol. I must have well behaved cats. Only thing they do in the bathroom is sit in the sink until you turn the water on, then they drink it out of the faucet. Spoiled bastards.