i think im going to vomit (divorce content)

[ragged325]

Here are some miscellaneous ramblings about this. I didn't read all of the thread and I don't know anyone here well enough to know what your problems are, but:

Kids = big fucking responsibility. If you're making $10/hr. and your marriage isn't working too well, kids probably aren't going to help. They are very expensive and having them will greatly increase the pressure on you to provide for them. You will question what kind of parent you can be to them and your wife will have less ability to earn money. IMO, it's best to have them once you've figured the other stuff out (if you can help it).

General attractiveness tips (not directed at anyone in particular (so don't take it personally)). Most people can agree that Megan Fox is more attractive than tubgirl. It's not because of their souls. IMO, younger people tend to look for "unconditional love" from their partner. They think they've found their "soul mate" who will love them no matter what. If you are looking for unconditional love, go get a dog from the pound. If you want to be attractive to your partner, you have to work at it.

Here's my list of things that are and are not attractive:

Not:

- spending five hours a day on the computer
- wearing old clothes/sweats everyday
- poor personal hygiene
- feeling sorry for yourself
- putting on 20 lbs.
- getting angry everyday about politics (or anything else)
- getting in a rut and not finding a positive direction for your life
- getting too comfortable (farting, chewing loudly, eating too fast, etc.)

Are:

- working out, getting in shape
- spending time in the real world
- working hard at something that will improve you and your wife's life
- buying new clothes
- getting a different haircut
- shaving off whatever weird facial hair you are rocking
- etc., etc., etc.

Again, this probably doesn't apply to the OP, but in general, you should be able to look at yourself and understand why your wife doesn't find you as attractive. It isn't her fault, it's yours. If you want her to find you attractive, you need to change what you are doing.

[Turf1600]

Not:


- wearing old clothes/sweats everyday
- putting on 20 lbs.
- getting angry everyday about politics (or anything else)
- getting too comfortable (farting, chewing loudly, eating too fast, etc.)

.

I'm fucked

[StereoInstaller1]

Jeff, my man...You and I both know Whitney is worth it. She is a fine person, intelligent, kind, patient, nice....she would be a fine woman even if she weren't gorgeous, right?

She obviously loves you, anyone who sees the two of you together knows that.

The fact that she is basically willing to leave says that she is strong enough to pursue her life dreams, even if it costs her the man she chose to marry. I was under the impression that it was both of you that decided to not make babies, but if babies is what she really wants, I say she is worth it.

Life is a gamble, right? Place your bets carefully. Nothing will light a fire under your ass like a tiny voice calling you Daddy.

BTW, I hope you have a girl. I would love to be around 15 years later to see the boys come sniffing around...then have to meet Dad (!) and run home with their tails between their legs!

[ragged325]

I'm fucked

Hopefully, you wont' be starting one of these threads. I guess I can see this from a different perspective because of my sister's divorce. Her husband spent the last two years living in her garage playing computer scrabble everyday. He's decided he's different from everyone else and not one of those people that likes working at a job. He put on weight, never shaves, showers irregularly and wears worn out t-shirts everyday.

Obviously, he's got some issues with depression, etc.. The thing that gets me is that he cannot understand why my sister is dumping him. He asks her why he is "unloveable". Trust me, he would not be clinging to my sister if she did everything he is doing. He's still attracted to her because she does everything he doesn't do. He thought that when he got married he was getting some kind of guarantee that he could do whatever the fuck he wanted and that she would always be there for him.

To everyone who feels this way, "Grow Up."

[JGood]

I'm sure what you are going through is hard, and I'm sorry to hear about it. But you said yourself you didn't want kids. Now that your relationship is in turmoil, you do? That sounds like a way to cling on. I'm not saying it won't work out, but this is the same story that ends badly for many many other people. What are your long term goals in life? Is your spouse willing to help you get there? What are her long term goals in life, and are you willing to help her get there? Is it possible for you both to reach your goals together?


On that note, but not directed towards you...

It's really sad to see so many people in so many different marriages, having so many kids with so many different people these days. I have a step brother, step sister, half brother, half sister, all kinds of shit. My parents got married when I was 2, and separated when I was 4, and went back and forth for the next probably 10 years, while I moved from various family members houses because my parents couldn't afford me. My mom got remarried, had 2 kids, then got divorced. My stepmom has 2 kids from 2 different previous relationships.

You know what it does? It makes life shitty for the kids, and it makes them 10 times more likely to grow up thinking all this is OK. And the media today doesn't help it. The direction our society is going is sickening. Marriage means nothing anymore, it's a piece of paper that is mild reassurance of commitment and guaranteed benefits at a divorce.

[Dave]

Kids = big fucking responsibility. If you're making $10/hr. and your marriage isn't working too well, kids probably aren't going to help. They are very expensive and having them will greatly increase the pressure on you to provide for them. You will question what kind of parent you can be to them and your wife will have less ability to earn money. IMO, it's best to have them once you've figured the other stuff out (if you can help it).

Amen.

[daniel]

BTW, I hope you have a girl. I would love to be around 15 years later to see the boys come sniffing around...then have to meet Dad (!) and run home with their tails between their legs!

hahahaha I would love to see this also.

[BigD]

- getting too comfortable (farting, chewing loudly, eating too fast, etc.)

I'm with you except for that one. As far as I'm concerned that is the number one biggest reason why it sucks to be single. A relationship that will last is one where you are 100% comfortable. This doesn't mean smelling like an anchovy's stale waffleswaffleswaffleswaffles and farting all the time at the table. But it does mean knowing that even if you do this, she knows what it's like and she will accept it - even if she might give you shit for it (and it works the other way too - if you think women don't fart, then you have a woman that isn't 100% comfortable with you).

If one of these things turns out to be the other person's major malfunction, then the question of whether or not you can change for them is one of those decisions you have to make, which leads to either a breakup or 100% comfort. Any relationship where a secret is kept or a bad habit is disguised, is already circling the drain.

What you end up learning if you have a successful life partnership is that weird shit like that is what really makes this gig special - you share a world with someone that is more intimate and enclosed, yet fully shared between you two, than the one you had with your mother. Anything short of that is a waste of time.

But you can never stop trying to make her happy.

[h0lmes]

I'm with you except for that one. As far as I'm concerned that is the number one biggest reason why it sucks to be single. A relationship that will last is one where you are 100% comfortable. This doesn't mean smelling like an anchovy's stale waffleswaffleswaffleswaffles and farting all the time at the table. But it does mean knowing that even if you do this, she knows what it's like and she will accept it - even if she might give you shit for it (and it works the other way too - if you think women don't fart, then you have a woman that isn't 100% comfortable with you).

If one of these things turns out to be the other person's major malfunction, then the question of whether or not you can change for them is one of those decisions you have to make, which leads to either a breakup or 100% comfort. Any relationship where a secret is kept or a bad habit is disguised, is already circling the drain.

What you end up learning if you have a successful life partnership is that weird shit like that is what really makes this gig special - you share a world with someone that is more intimate and enclosed, yet fully shared between you two, than the one you had with your mother. Anything short of that is a waste of time.

But you can never stop trying to make her happy.

I don't know what you're talking about man. Women fart roses and poop puppy dogs. That's what they told me at least.

[smonkbmw]

kids were not on the top of my list any time soon, i can admit this and its what led to where i was at 2 days ago when i made this post. something people may not understand is that your wife, partner whatever how much is she/he REALLY worth to you? if its not much then fine keep living how you live. for myself im more scared of the whole idea than anything else. im scared of the finances, all of the "what ifs?" (what if it comes with massive handicaps?) stuff like this scares the hell out of me. i think of the WHOLE idea not just the good parts, i dont think she has yet. she is a female and most of you posting MAY be to young to understand that chicks tend to want kids. especially when they are quick approaching their mid 20's. if they dont, well, more power to you if you dont want them either. i could go on in life being perfectly content with out the worry, stress thats going to come from this.

i forgot who pointed out in here that "a few days ago you didnt want them, now you do? sounds like a way to cling". yo, check this out ITS MY WIFE. not some girlfriend that im screwing to pass the time. she is my life, my support. theres not a whole lot i WOULDNT do for her. if this is as important to her as she says it is GUESS WHAT its time for me to make a change because she is that important to me.

[OOMPH!]

^^^ Go for it bro! Good luck, and God Bless! ;)

George

[Hallen]

Her comments sound like something a high school girl would say. Love and relationships aren't always flowers and butterflies. They take a lot hard work and dedication to keep afloat. It sounds to me like you have moved past the honeymoon stage and have likely gotten settled and she is possibly seeing some faults in you (everybody has faults). What you both need to realize is that marriage isn't just any old relationship where you can cut and run. You signed up for this and need to do everything in your power to keep it from falling apart. If she does end up cutting an running, just know that she was the weak one and will only be disappointed in future relationships. Best of luck to you man.

Also, she could just be looking for attention.

Wow, I just had to quote this because I couldn't have said it better. This is good advice.

Fight for it, do your best, and understand that it isn't your failure if she can't come to grips with her fantasies.

[hugh jass]

kids were not on the top of my list any time soon, i can admit this and its what led to where i was at 2 days ago when i made this post. something people may not understand is that your wife, partner whatever how much is she/he REALLY worth to you? if its not much then fine keep living how you live. for myself im more scared of the whole idea than anything else. im scared of the finances, all of the "what ifs?" (what if it comes with massive handicaps?) stuff like this scares the hell out of me. i think of the WHOLE idea not just the good parts, i dont think she has yet. she is a female and most of you posting MAY be to young to understand that chicks tend to want kids. especially when they are quick approaching their mid 20's. if they dont, well, more power to you if you dont want them either. i could go on in life being perfectly content with out the worry, stress thats going to come from this.

i forgot who pointed out in here that "a few days ago you didnt want them, now you do? sounds like a way to cling". yo, check this out ITS MY WIFE. not some girlfriend that im screwing to pass the time. she is my life, my support. theres not a whole lot i WOULDNT do for her. if this is as important to her as she says it is GUESS WHAT its time for me to make a change because she is that important to me.

dude, if you guys aren't totally solid in your relationship, all i can say is DO NOT HAVE KIDS. having kids is great, but it will not fix any problems you have in your relationship. they are a ton of work, cost a lot of money, and will add a lot of stress to your relationship dynamic.
don't have kids unless both of you are totally ready. you are both young and have plenty of time. if you have kids and your relationship falls apart, things will be infinitely more complex.

[Dave]

dude, if you guys aren't totally solid in your relationship, all i can say is DO NOT HAVE KIDS. having kids is great, but it will not fix any problems you have in your relationship. they are a ton of work, cost a lot of money, and will add a lot of stress to your relationship dynamic.
don't have kids unless both of you are totally ready. you are both young and have plenty of time. if you have kids and your relationship falls apart, things will be infinitely more complex.

Could not agree more.

[Hallen]

dude, if you guys aren't totally solid in your relationship, all i can say is DO NOT HAVE KIDS. having kids is great, but it will not fix any problems you have in your relationship. they are a ton of work, cost a lot of money, and will add a lot of stress to your relationship dynamic.
don't have kids unless both of you are totally ready. you are both young and have plenty of time. if you have kids and your relationship falls apart, things will be infinitely more complex.

I have to agree with this too. However, many young men will turn into old men never thinking that they are "ready" to have kids. It is a fear thing and it is also a selfish thing. They know how much they will have to give up in order to have kids. There goes the video games, there goes those cool gory movies, there goes my dream of an M3, and yes, there goes my wife's girlish figure.

I am here to tell you, that in unqualified terms, kids are worth it. Yes, they are a pain and a source of huge stress. Yes, you have to give up your toys (for now). The one thing that is sure to make having kids a miserable experience is blaming them because you had to give up your toys. And yes, they are expensive.

But there is also no greater motivator in a good man's life than kids. You want to be seen as their hero. You learn responsibility real fast and you start looking for ways to get ahead financially because you know that you have to provide for you kids. It will be outside your comfort zone at first. But it is worth it.

If you are not ready now, that is OK. However, if you want to stay with your wife and the disagreement is over kids, then you should start thinking about it seriously. Get excited about it and think about how cool it is to lay on the living room floor playing legos with your boy. Watching those first steps, seeing them turn into a person... maybe even a minime. :)

If you talk to your wife about it, let her know that you are excited about having kids with her (if you really are). Then, once she accepts that, then start talking about a PLAN for when to have the kids. Set goals. Make progress towards those goals and stick to it. Show her that you are making the effort. From what I have seen, when a woman decides she wants kids she wants them NOW. Also, if she wants kids, it also means she most likely wants them with you. What you have to do is try to get her feet on the ground and get working towards that plan of having kids. Hopefully, she will be able to see you are serious about it and she will be willing to work with you on it. Making a knee jerk reaction to have kids just because your biological alarm just went off, generally isn't as good as planning it out.