Joke thread :

[nfshot]

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid replies, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

[Chachi]

two pretzels were walking down the street and one was assaulted.

[beenjamin]

A woman today was struck by a car..."Wh-wait a minute...How'd a car get into the kitchen?

[archie]

Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me, son." the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few more times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?
Why did we swim around and around them?”

His wise father replied,

"Because they taste better without the shit inside!"

[F34R]

Barack Obama got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked in the mirror and noticed that he was white from the neck to the top of his head.

In a sheer panic and fearing he was turning white all over,




he called his doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately. After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid,

gave it to Barack, and told him to drink it all.

Barack drank the concoction and said, "That tasted like bullshit"!

"It was." the doctor replied, "You were a quart low."

[Ray Smoodiver]

Me: What's that smell?

Wife: I can't smell anything.

Me: Neither can I, get that fucking cooker on.

[Ray Smoodiver]

I was working late at the Carphone Warehouse last night when I received this text from my daughter:
'Dad,thespacebuttonisfaultyonthisphone.
Whenyougethomepleasegivemeanalternative.'

And as I eagerly rushed home, I couldn't help but wonder...

What the hell does 'ternative' mean?

[Ray Smoodiver]

Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put on the wrong socks before I went for a walk.

[Ray Smoodiver]

What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat?

Banned from the petting zoo.

[dreamchasin]

What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat?

e30slut

fixed

[StereoInstaller1]

Two sperm were swinning along when one of them turned to the other and said "Damn, I am tired! How long until we get to the eggs?"

The other one turned to him and said "Eggs?, Hell, we are barely past the tonsils!"

[thebutcher37]

One day a dude was walking down the beach and sees someone laying in the distance. As he got closer it turns out to be a armless, legless woman laying on the beach... he stopped and asked her why are you crying.

She replies " This beautiful sunset is so romantic but, I've never been kissed my whole life."

So the guy is like, meh and Plants a big passionate kiss on her... and continues on with his walk, but hears the woman crying even harder as he steps away...
He returns to her and asks whats the matter now?

she replies "well just look at me, it has taken this long for me to have a kiss, let alone have sex, Will you fuck me?

So the dude picks up the chick and throws her into the ocean... runs off along the beach and yells out, Well NOW YOUVE BEEN FUCKED....

[pizzaman]

Whats the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods?

















SANTA STOPS AT 3 HO'S! :ohsnap:

[JT325is]

why do black people eat tootsie rolls with forks?
so they dont bite off their fingers.



excuse the racial joke lol

[freeride53]

Joke's on all of you.