Am I the asshole?

[FredK]

You have all the right in the world to have anger towards him for the pain and disappointment he's caused you. It's normal to have resentment towards those that abuse us. You need to air all of this with your brother. Tell him it's his life and if he continues his destructive habits, you won't be part of it. Do not go about enabling him anymore (cars, housing, money, etc) because that doesn't help anybody. Accept what he is and set the bar low in expectations, he may surprise you one day.

I agree with this guy.

I think it's a travesty that after all of the shit he put your family (and mom) through that he'd turn around and name his spawn after your late mother. It'd make me want to pound my fragile E30 dash and risk cracking it.

But cling to that small shred of hope, that though the seas are turbulent now and it seems your brother's boat will be run aground, that he will find smooth waters. He should figure out the path to those waters by himself.

Also, my condolences for losing your mom.

[F34R]

Seen my uncle do this to my family. Just forgive and forget, sounds like you have given him enough chances. Also my uncle has turned his life around, but took about 20 years.

Watch the documentary called Skid Row

[pawi30]

ohthejosh makes a great point.

It may not be a choice you want to make, but it seems like you and your fiance are this child's only hope. I would stay close, baby sit, and try to steer her the right way. Think of maybe what your mom would have done in the situation.

How does your dad feel about this?

[cabriodster87]

Im so sorry for the loss of your Mom. Your Brother has an ugly disease, and needs your help.

[mikeedler]

sounds like a shitty situation.

Just remember it's just a name and he is going to do what he wants-

It was his mother too- just because he's fucked up, doesn't mean he didn't love his mother just as much as you.

I have a VERY similar situation in my family too-- I just stay in Germany and keep away from most of my family to stay out of the crap.

[Cabriolet]

Bro i feel really bad for you.
IMO. Fuck your brother, people can only be helped so far. and who cares about that kids name, it's not the baby that is at fault, it's your idiot brother.
For your betterment do the say thing i have done with my idiot mother. Cut ALL ties! Once you get rid of the disease that is plaguing your life, you will be more apt to better your life and do great things for others.
Our society has created a bubble where you don't have to be responsible for your own actions, and that is just horse shit. He screwed up his own life, let him work it out.

and if you cant watch that child get its life ruined, offer to adopt it.

[Exodus_2pt0]

Do not cut ties to your brother without telling him EVERYTHING you just told us.

Sit him down, and let him have it. Not in an angry way, but in a pleading way. You must make him realize that if he does not take responsibility for his own life, then he is on his own.

You can help him by telling him that it's shit or get off the pot time. At least give him the opportunity to really feel the gravity of the situation. He won't know until someone tells it to him, completely uncensored and brutally honest.

If you love your brother, or ever did, then don't simply abandon him. Let him know that he has a choice in his future, then allow him to make his decision and act accordingly.

Oh, and as previously stated, don't let him take the child down with him if he doesn't turn around.

[Exodus_2pt0]

Oh, and to the 5 people who voted Yes, then I guess you haven't lost many people to heroin.

[Cabriolet]

i voted yes w/o reading first. my bad =P

[Ryan Stewart]

No, people find ways to fuck themselves up. Addicts are addicts.

Word, brother is a loser and needs to be cut off. You tried, he failed, time to let him go. He died a while ago, you just havent accepted it yet.

As for the kid, dont be capt save-a-crack-baby. You wont be able to do that. All you will do is bring even more problems into your life (as they are the legal gaurdians and will hold considerable power over the child).

As for those who say not to cut him off, to sit down and talk to him. Do you think nobody has done that in the 5-7 years of drugs, stealing and abuse? People constantly try to get the person out. Ive only seen one thing work, just move on and let the person fend for themselves. There are two outcomes: They hit rock bottom (nobody being helped by their family ever reaches rock bottom), wake the fuck up, realize that your help they were abusing and turning you into enablers and clean themselves up. Or they die, they run out of resources and finally make those last few mistakes and die. Its not your fault, they would have died either way, helping them just prolonged it.

[carloserna]

make him read this post...then maybe he'll understand. and no your not the asshole man
God has your mother now....no worries.

[ANDRÜ]

You are not the asshole. If you and me both feel the same about our mothers, then you'd agree that our mothers are saints. To have a trash heroin baby conceived next to a dumpster sharing the same name, is terrible. I dont blame you AT ALL.

[MikeDE]

JAM, you need to separate yourself from the situation before you become an addict yourself. Let your brother and his trashy bitch do whatever they want. Him, her and the Baby are going to drag you down into their reality if you let them.

Take your understanding GF, and what's left of your sanity, elsewhere, And make sure your Bro understands why.

Family sucks... there is no escaping that fact.

[gwb72tii]

truly sorry about your mom. try to remember and focus on all the good things she did rather than the loss of her in your life.
your brother will always be your brother. i don't know how anyone can say fuck 'em, etc. he deserves your love for that reason only. that doesn't mean you need to give him stuff and support him financially etc. in fact i agree he should be cut off and forced to make adult decisions about his life and his daughter. but he is your brother.
there is little you can do about your niece. she's going to grow up in whatever environment her parents provide her. i've gone thru this with my brother (not to the same degree as you). my niece is screwed up as well, has an illegitimate son, needs support from my brother and so an. but they always get my love and guidance when they ask. who knows, maybe they'll change their life with the baby. and i'd be as upset as you for naming the child after your mom.

oh, and no, you're not the asshole. your brother is being an asshole

life is a bitch, eh?

[Jorgen]

I only have a few thoughts here.

1. Don't blame the baby for anything. You can go out of your way to help the baby without helping your brother and his girlfriend. The innocent kid doesn't deserve the hand it is being dealt but you can do what you can to help make it better.
Example: my friends kid sister just had a kid, she claimed to not even know she was pregnant. She was high up until the week before the kid was born. My friend goes out of his way to do things that will help the kid the most. If he is getting something for him he gets things that kinds need not shit that is just there or makes the parents life easier. Stuff like diapers etc. that the kid needs and will help avoid the parents leaving him in a dirty diaper all day to save the $.25.

2. I understand the thing with not wanting the baby named after your mom but honestly she was his mom too. No matter what he is going to pick the name he wants for the kid and you have no say in it. It isn't worth you letting yourself get upset all day long about it because it isn't going to change.
There was no emotional reason people didn't like my daughters name when my wife and I picked it but we got crap from all sides about it. We still went through with what we wanted and wouldn't have considered another name no matter what people said.

3. Just hope that this kid can help get/keep your brother straight and off shit. I wasn't ever fucked up like that but it is amazing what changes a kid can make in a person. Just hope he can do the right things for the kid, if he doesn't and you can help do what you can for that kid to try and get them going the right way.