Your worst deuce experience? NWS?

[E30_Pare]

Too short. Why did you shit your pants?

Agreed you can't just skip to the end. Thats like jizzing without jerkin off.

[ajhostetter]

Agreed you can't just skip to the end. Thats like jizzing without jerkin off.

I love the "long story short" part. Isn't this whole thread supposed to be about the story?

[hammrdwn510]

Working out of town (Cleveland) living in an extended stay. Forgot I had clogged the shitter the day before with the remnants of what was at least a 1lb corned beef sammich it wasn't cleaning lady day till the following day. Well the sammich was so damn good I had another the following day....having a fear of pooping at other toilets other than my own I prairie dogged it all day, really sucking it in during traffic on the way back to the room. I run into the bathroom to a full bowl from the previous night..... No time to make it to the pool bathroom I weigh my options..... Garbage ca (too much stank) bathroom sink( hole too small, would def choke it) shower??? (Maybe try to destroy logs with water blast? Nope, gotta take showers still). Alas I didn't use the kitchen at all, garbage disposal plus large mouth sink hole..... So bombs away!!! Let the water run for a couple hours and dumped a full bottle of dish detergent .... Never to set foot I that kitchen again

[Roysneon]

I once clogged my buddy's toilet the first time I ever went over to his apartment. We had gone to see a little acoustic show at a radio station just before so I was wearing a shirt and tie. Pants ended up all the way off, tie was loose and top button undone by the end of it. Almost had to go full Castanza.

After the laborious process, I flushed to find the bowl was not up to the task. I made an effort to clear it (not really) by jiggling the handle a bit, looked around for the plunger but came up empty. I didn't want to risk an overflow by flushing again, and really didn't feel like asking for a plunger or stick to break up the disgusting butt baby I just birthed, so, like a Florida meth head 16 year old, I left that little one in the toilet and continued playing with my friend's guns.

Neither of the guys that lived there ever brought it up to me again, and I've been drunk with both of them since, so I'm pretty sure that's that.

[Mistawall]

Working out of town (Cleveland) living in an extended stay. Forgot I had clogged the shitter the day before with the remnants of what was at least a 1lb corned beef sammich it wasn't cleaning lady day till the following day. Well the sammich was so damn good I had another the following day....having a fear of pooping at other toilets other than my own I prairie dogged it all day, really sucking it in during traffic on the way back to the room. I run into the bathroom to a full bowl from the previous night..... No time to make it to the pool bathroom I weigh my options..... Garbage ca (too much stank) bathroom sink( hole too small, would def choke it) shower??? (Maybe try to destroy logs with water blast? Nope, gotta take showers still). Alas I didn't use the kitchen at all, garbage disposal plus large mouth sink hole..... So bombs away!!! Let the water run for a couple hours and dumped a full bottle of dish detergent .... Never to set foot I that kitchen again

jesus the kitchen sink!?!?!

[Andy.B]

Working out of town (Cleveland) living in an extended stay. Forgot I had clogged the shitter the day before with the remnants of what was at least a 1lb corned beef sammich it wasn't cleaning lady day till the following day. Well the sammich was so damn good I had another the following day....having a fear of pooping at other toilets other than my own I prairie dogged it all day, really sucking it in during traffic on the way back to the room. I run into the bathroom to a full bowl from the previous night..... No time to make it to the pool bathroom I weigh my options..... Garbage ca (too much stank) bathroom sink( hole too small, would def choke it) shower??? (Maybe try to destroy logs with water blast? Nope, gotta take showers still). Alas I didn't use the kitchen at all, garbage disposal plus large mouth sink hole..... So bombs away!!! Let the water run for a couple hours and dumped a full bottle of dish detergent .... Never to set foot I that kitchen again

That story is amazing.

[Ether-D]

I once clogged my buddy's toilet the first time I ever went over to his apartment. We had gone to see a little acoustic show at a radio station just before so I was wearing a shirt and tie. Pants ended up all the way off, tie was loose and top button undone by the end of it. Almost had to go full Castanza.

After the laborious process, I flushed to find the bowl was not up to the task. I made an effort to clear it (not really) by jiggling the handle a bit, looked around for the plunger but came up empty. I didn't want to risk an overflow by flushing again, and really didn't feel like asking for a plunger or stick to break up the disgusting butt baby I just birthed, so, like a Florida meth head 16 year old, I left that little one in the toilet and continued playing with my friend's guns.

Neither of the guys that lived there ever brought it up to me again, and I've been drunk with both of them since, so I'm pretty sure that's that.

There's nothing like leaving an extra-large duke at your bros house.

[hammrdwn510]

jesus the kitchen sink!?!?!

That story is amazing.

Very few people know that story, not even the wife...... I guess I found the perfect home for it

[henryki]

Working out of town (Cleveland) living in an extended stay. Forgot I had clogged the shitter the day before with the remnants of what was at least a 1lb corned beef sammich it wasn't cleaning lady day till the following day. Well the sammich was so damn good I had another the following day....having a fear of pooping at other toilets other than my own I prairie dogged it all day, really sucking it in during traffic on the way back to the room. I run into the bathroom to a full bowl from the previous night..... No time to make it to the pool bathroom I weigh my options..... Garbage ca (too much stank) bathroom sink( hole too small, would def choke it) shower??? (Maybe try to destroy logs with water blast? Nope, gotta take showers still). Alas I didn't use the kitchen at all, garbage disposal plus large mouth sink hole..... So bombs away!!! Let the water run for a couple hours and dumped a full bottle of dish detergent .... Never to set foot I that kitchen again

But seriously..

what in the hell... I'm never trusting another extended stay hotel ever again.. you sir have destroyed the way I view garbage disposals

[decay]

okay so my worst deuce story involves both my own shit, and someone else's.

like some others who've posted, i have a bit of a sensitive stomach. food with preservatives in it, in particular, puts me in an "emergency dump" situation. the last time i ate panda express, i had to rush to the bathroom and blow ass before even leaving the place. never again.

a bit of background- i was also in the military, and i've experienced the diamond-log dumps you take after eating MREs, not to mention the vicious gas attacks you get if you happen to draw that MRE with the strawberry shake. god help you if more than one person in your barracks room gets a shake on the same day; that's gonna be a smelly night.

the food the DFAC (dining facility) serves when you're downrange is another matter entirely. no surprise that it's jammed full of preservatives, because they had to fly it into fucking ramadi and make sure it keeps, and that's where this story starts.

i'd eaten breakfast at the DFAC that morning; if i remember right, scrambled eggs (likely precooked) and bacon. this was an inside-the-wire day, and i was waiting for my SGT to pick me up, because we had a bunch of POG shit to run around and do on-base.

i feel the bubble-guts rumbling, and i've become acquainted enough with my own response to the DFAC food that i know what's gonna happen next. i spot a portajohn and make a beeline.

tangent: our mission in ramadi included civil-affairs elements; we had raided and fucked up a glass-blowing factory near the base, and destroyed part of the local economy. as a "sorry 'bout that", we brought LNs (local nationals) on base to do various work, like carpentry on the hurricane huts (the housing the marines used before we built hardened, mortar-proof housing).

in the middle east, they take dumps differently. they are accustomed to shitting in a hole in the ground, so when presented with a porta-john, they will stand with one foot on either side of the toilet seat, pop a viet-squat, and let fly.

they also apparently don't care too much about privacy while they're doing this, because the above paragraph is what i saw upon opening the portajohn door. full frontal nudity, turd halfway out.

that might have been the moment where "you've gotta be fucking kidding me" became my iraq catchphrase.

i slam the door shut and cuss the stupid motherfucking LN out for not turning the lock that changes the indicator on the outside of the door from green (open) to red (occupied). then i wait a couple of clenchy minutes for him to finish, eventually getting impatient and kicking the door while yelling at him to hurry the fuck up.

no response. who knows, maybe he was doing a post-dump jerk. those fuckers were creepy; the ones on janitor detail liked to watch us in the showers while they were mopping, very slowly.

"ok fuck this." i scan my surroundings, spot another porta about 200 meters away, and begin the kind of penguin-walk that must have made it clearly obvious to anyone observing that "this guy's gotta take a shit, posthaste". thankfully, on an inside-the-wire day, i wasn't battle-laden; no armor, just my M4 and the usual complement of magazines. i could move relatively quickly.

i was 3 seconds away from making it, door on the new porta open, undoing the rigger's belt, when my lower intestine rebelled. i managed to thrust my trousers down and plant my ass on the seat fast enough not to get anything on my uniform, but goddamn did the eruption that followed ever made a mess of my backside before i managed to point it in a safe direction.

i did my best to clean up with the available TP, but there was simply no way that was going to be enough.

my SGT(E5) picked me up, with an E6 in tow, who took about 1 minute to comment that the on-post vehicle we were in smelled like someone didn't know how to wipe themselves.

at our very first worksite, we started out in an office, and the marines therein had a look of confusion and disgust on their faces about 30 seconds after i walked in. clearly, i was not doing any favors for the US Army's reputation that day.

after we left the first worksite and ditched the E6 where he needed to be, i said to my E5:

"hey, i got tasked out and didn't get a chance to shower this morning, any way we could head back to the barracks real quick?"

him: "no problem, specialist."

that SGT was a cool motherfucker.

[15Michaeljoseph]

Well, I was at bible camp this week, and a guy from another cabin came in while all my guys were out, and koala bear shit in our toilet. it was 100% not going anywhere. 20 flushes, and that sucker was still suctioned on tight.


I made the 13 year old get a stick and clean it up.


--Mike

[Roysneon]

Well, I was at bible camp this week, and a guy from another cabin came in while all my guys were out, and koala bear shit in our toilet. it was 100% not going anywhere. 20 flushes, and that sucker was still suctioned on tight.


I made the 13 year old get a stick and clean it up.


--Mike

Holy fuck why are there 12 year olds on R3v. You're gonna be a fucked up teenager.

[Mistawall]

Holy fuck why are there 12 year olds on R3v. You're gonna be a fucked up teenager.

im assuming hes a counselor? what is this bible camp you speak of ? do they teach you like religious stuff there?

[dlmrun2002]

I was running NYC marathon and had to drop a doogan. Ran into a NYC parks bathroom and there were 2 toilets ( no doors or walls) occupied by 2 other runners. Since time was critical for my race I squatted down next to one of the runners and let her go on the floor. Only lost about 30 seconds in the marathon. TP was not an option,,that would be another 15 seconds..
dlm ny country

[15Michaeljoseph]

im assuming hes a counselor? what is this bible camp you speak of ? do they teach you like religious stuff there?

I was a camper. It's called Young Life, and it's for senior high and college students. I'm going to be a senior this year so I was a leader, and there was an upcoming freshman in my cabin whom I made clean the shit.

Some religious stuff, mostly things about the passion of Christ and basically how to turn back to God in your life. This is my 4th year going, so it might have meant a bit less to me than my first time going which pointed me (and my then-almost-non-believing mind) in the right direction.

also, parasailing, tubing, waterskiing, sailboats, kayaks, frisbee golf, ga-ga, volleyball, pretty girls, awesome food, and comedy acts. Pretty good week overall I'd say.


--Mike