Your worst deuce experience? NWS?

[Vtec?lol]

I can top every single story here, but I reserve that treat for in person drinking time. Took a couple years before I could even talk about it

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Spill it!

I was living in Alaska in a tent at the time. I drove my first e30 to AK from Tennessee. This was in the summer of 2000. After an appetizing midnight snack of the 1/4 lb cheeseburger dog at the local Tesoro (gas station)... 3 hours later, I found my self crawl-running as fast as I could out of my tent. Barely made it out and began to spew liquids from 2 to 4 of my 5 available orifices (nostrils included). The plants that I ended up shitting and puking on died immediately. It was neat...

This is so short but very funny

[Ether-D]

I was living in Alaska in a tent at the time. I drove my first e30 to AK from Tennessee. This was in the summer of 2000. After an appetizing midnight snack of the 1/4 lb cheeseburger dog at the local Tesoro (gas station)... 3 hours later, I found my self crawl-running as fast as I could out of my tent. Barely made it out and began to spew liquids from 2 to 4 of my 5 available orifices (nostrils included). The plants that I ended up shitting and puking on died immediately. It was neat...

[Cletonius]

is it weird this makes me miss the r3vs sex stories thread?

Not at all. That was a great thread.

[kickinindian]

if you didn't post it, it didn't happen. since you don't want all of us to call you a bullshitting pu$$y, you should probably share.

bullshiting pus$y....

[kickinindian]

is it weird this makes me miss the r3vs sex stories thread?

[flyboyx]

I can top every single story here, but I reserve that treat for in person drinking time. Took a couple years before I could even talk about it

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if you didn't post it, it didn't happen. since you don't want all of us to call you a bullshitting pu$$y, you should probably share.

[E30_Pare]

[der affe]

I was dropping a deuce and Rachel opened the door and started throwing sour gummi worms at me while on the throne..........

[F34R]

I took a huge ass shit @Swanny's house. Then left the door open. It was bad.

[Roysneon]

Got this off of Facebook from a post Buck 65 made.

I have a biology degree. When I was studying, I usually rounded out my course load with English and philosophy classes. Within biology, I studied all sorts of things, including ichthyology, which is the study of fish. Show me any fish and I'll give you its scientific name. One of my favorite orders of fish is the ostariophysi, which includes piranhas, catfish and electric eels (I have a great eel story I'll tell you another day). But mostly, I studied human biology. Although I didn't end up with a career in the sciences, I draw on the knowledge I gained in my study on a regular basis. I also still have most of my biology textbooks in my library. I dig them out to check on something once a month or so.

I say this because I feel I know my body quite well. I go to the doctor when I need to, but I'm quite good at diagnosing myself when something ails me. I often give my own analyses to doctors before hearing what they have to say and I've never been wrong. They're always impressed.

Long ago, I accurately diagnosed myself as having sensitivities to dairy and wheat (although I will say that it has more to do with chemicals and genetic modification than it does the foods themselves, but that's another discussion). But for years before these conclusions were drawn, I suffered. I got used to feeling like my body was being turned inside out at some point almost every day. When an attack came on, my only salvation could be found in the sanctuary of a well-equipped bathroom facility. But my path to recovery was often blocked by a life-long and fierce aversion to public bathrooms. To this day, I must come face-to-face with death's door before choosing to walk through that of a public bathroom.

It was during those days of intestinal infirmity that I found myself in the city of Portland, Maine for a performance. It was an especially joyous occasion because I was in the hometown of some old friends and label mates, with whom I was sharing the bill that night.

After sound check, a large and cheerful group of us went out to catch up on old times over a meal. I don't remember what was on the menu that night, but something I ate raised the demon in a bad way. By the time we made it back to the venue, I was in serious trouble. I had to face the reality that if I didn't get to the bathroom, I'd be in no shape to perform. And so it was with great reluctance that I dragged my agony to the men's room.

I had two graces working in my favor. First, doors of the venue hadn't opened quite yet. I had about 15 minutes before that would happen. Second, although there was no bathroom backstage, the one that was available was a one-person-at-a-time deal with a locking door, so I could be in there alone. If that wasn't the case, I very well may have let myself die and be eaten by raccoons.

I'll spare you the more horrifying details, but suffice to say that once inside and uncomfortably seated, I had a very difficult time. It took quite a while for the waves of anguish to crest. It wasn't a situation that could be rushed, for as much as I would have liked for it to be over quickly. I probably could have read Joseph Conrad's Heart of Darkness in the time I was in there. When I began to feel human again, a full roll of tissue wasn't quite enough to… pave the road back to civilization, if you will. I had to finish the job with an unforgiving swath of industrial-grade paper towel.

As soon as the color returned to my face, it drained out again when I flushed and the torrent couldn't vanquish the horrors I had left behind. The toilet was clogged and a putrid slurry began to overflow the bowl and spread across the floor. With my brain on fire, my eyes frenzied about my confines for something to stem the tide, but there was nothing. I was helpless. I was frozen in terror with my fists clenched and pressed against the sides of my face. My mind raced for a solution but none was found. I had never felt so alone.

Faced with the awful reality that my only recourse was to seek help and/or supplies in the outside world, I reached for the doorknob. That's when I heard the dreadful sound: the muted cacophony of voices of the ticket-buying public. The venue's doors had been opened during my ordeal. There was no escape. I opened the bathroom door and was confronted by a lineup of at least two dozen people, waiting to enter the chamber that I had just turned into a dungeon of atrocities. Every one of them recognized me. In case there was any doubt, a guy in the middle of the line announced, "Hey, look - it's Buck 65!"

One by one, I shook the hands of these beautiful people who had just invested their hard-earned money in the promise of an evening of my most intimate expression. And one by one, I warned them they'd get way more than they bargained for if they entered whence I came.

[myinfernalbmw]

went to the stall at college. Got bored of pooping. Pulled out rc car, donuts in the bathroom

If that's your worst deuce experience then you must lead a very pampered life.

[lylefk]

I can top every single story here, but I reserve that treat for in person drinking time. Took a couple years before I could even talk about it

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[flyboyx]

Yeah definitely not trying to represent as my own. But it fits the subject too perfectly

well, since it isn't your own, i will say that it is a pretty funny story. it kind of reminds me of my childhood reading those silly made up stories in the back of hustler magazine that all start with "i never thought this would happen to me":

i guess since it is on the internet, it has to be true.

[Pl3wA]

went to the stall at college. Got bored of pooping. Pulled out rc car, donuts in the bathroom

[colorado_cabrio]

If this was your own story and not copied and pasted, I applaud your ingenius story. This is by far, the best story I have read since my days of reading Harry Potter. You sir, given the previously mentioned requirements, win the internet.

....aannndd after a quick google search, it was copy and paste. Although, I haven't read it before so you deserve kudos for bringing this light to my eyes.

Yeah definitely not trying to represent as my own. But it fits the subject too perfectly