Your worst deuce experience? NWS?

[kickinindian]

I have one from a couple weeks ago, I work dispatching for casino security, so I'm stuck in an office and have to be relived whenever I have to take a break.
On Mondays we have a skeleton crew and if anything happens I'm basically fucked. So I had taken my first break about 2hrs in and they had taco day so I had them whip me up a pair with ground beef. (later I was told it was sitting in its juices so it was pretty much just shit lube).

All was good tacos were tasty and I head back to the my hole. Right around lunch time I get the urge but I'm only 5min out from my break no biggie right?
Nope, within those 5min I had a stolen purse, a guest medical where I had to call EMS, and a bunch of casino procedure stuff involving moving lots of money.

I was fucked my relief was hung up and I was in it for the long haul

First came the farts, they were like contractions they started to get closer together and within 15min I was in a small room gagging on my own ass musk.

Then the bells start to toll my underwear were in imminent danger as I was starting to get the stabbing pains and wet fact bubbles.

All while having to hold my verbal composure and concentrate on my dispatching.

Then just before I was content with the thought of sitting my pants and the 10sec of ecstasy it would bring. The door clicked open and my corporal told me to go to lunch.

I told him to get the fuck out of the way and ditched my usual quiet bathroom spot since it was too far. I opted instead on the bathroom our GM and directors use, for VIP clients. Swanky stuff.

I barely made it in time, I was sitting above Montezumas hidden treasure that just slipped out of my ass thanks to the oil and lard soaked beef. Oil ring on the bowl and all.

The next day I come back and during our briefing we are told the executive bathrooms are locked and that we cannot use any of the bathrooms clients or guests use anymore.

I was impressed with myself

[flyboyx]

^lol! good one.

[ajhostetter]

10/10, would read again.

[E30_Pare]

Hahahaha. I still love this thread. <3


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[marshallnoise]

You ever get food poisoning, kneel before the porcelain god and then begin to hurl thinking the worst is beginning to end just to find out you have Hershey squirts with no place to go? It sucks.

[flyboyx]

You ever get food poisoning, kneel before the porcelain god and then begin to hurl thinking the worst is beginning to end just to find out you have Hershey squirts with no place to go? It sucks.

i have actually had this happen to me. let me think about the story for a couple days before i share it.

[supermansocks95]

When I was in Boy Scouts in high school, my last summer trip was to Philmont Scout Ranch in New Mexico. It was an 11 day, 87 mile trek through the mountains. There were a few types of portas there. There were pilot/copilot(side-by-side, usually divided), pilot/bombardier(back-to-back) and at the very small camps used just as a stopping point, a single. They all filed into 2 categories: enclosed and poo-with-a-view. Enclosed could be any of the configurations. Poo with a view's were only pilot to bombardier or single. They were just wood with a toilet seat. I remember one occasion where I was back to back with someone in my troop taking a shit at the PWaV. Awkward as fuck. Then, we were at this one shitty campsite that we just used as one of our stops to sleep. It was like halfway up a mountain, so it was cold and it was also raining that day. Probably right short of freezing. I had to shit in the middle of the night, I believe. I knew there was a toilet somewhere, I just had no idea where. I was using a flashlight to try and find it on a really steep slope because that's the area where it was. Eventually, after searching for a little while, I couldn't hold it anymore. So, I found slightly more level ground on the slope and popped a squat. I didn't even think about digging a hole, so I pondered for a minute. Looked over and saw a big rock. Carried the rock over, leaned it over the poo, and dropped it. I still remember the disgusting, yet oddly satisfying squish it made. Went back to sleep. The next day, I went back up to find where the toilet was. No more than 20 feet away, on the other side of a tree, was that goddamned toilet. Best trip ever.

[flyboyx]

You ever get food poisoning, kneel before the porcelain god and then begin to hurl thinking the worst is beginning to end just to find out you have Hershey squirts with no place to go? It sucks.

about 10 years ago, my ex and i went to eat dinner one friday at this seafood place called Sudie's on the south side of houston. i was young, dumb, and full of cum in those days. i ordered this huge ass platter of fried seafood. this is something i would never eat these days. i rarely eat fried food anymore let alone in the quantity i had that night. it was shrimp, crawfish, oysters, scallops, catfish, french fries......the whole shebang.

while i was eating, i don't remember thinking the food was that awesome. i can honestly say that since this day, i have never been back.

i went to bed that night feeling like i just ate 4 hamburgers at burger king.

around 1:30 in the morning i was startled awake by the urge to explosively barf. i sprinted the 12 feet or so to the toilet hoping and praying the lid was up. i remember thinking that i had to puke so bad, i had serious doubts i would make the toilet if i had to take the time to lift it. i'd say about 3 or 4 steps from the crapper, i suddenly had an even bigger urge to explosively shit!!!!!! goddamnit!!!!!! now i have a real conundrum on my hands. i have about 1 second to decide which end is going on the porcelain hole and which end is going all over the floor. i was thinking about chucking in the tub, but this particular room didn't have the right layout for that. somehow i had a moment of clarity and slid my ass on the seat as both ends let loose at the same time. it was UG-LY. i don't know how i could describe it any other way.

all the commotion in the potty woke up my other half. i could tell she was pretty disgusted, but fortunately she had a motherly instinct. i climbed in the shower to get the mess off myself before slinking back to bed. she cleaned up the bathroom and took care of me for the next two terrible terrible days.

[dlmrun2002]

Walking in the woods on my property with my dog, nature calls. Like chief what the fuckey I dropped a doogan indian style . No big deal. Continue walking in the woods and climb down a cliff. All of a sudden my dog comes flying out of the woods and runs up to me. I guess when I got ahead of her she decided to do what dogs do. She rolled over in MY shit. Had it all over her neck and collar. Now when I shit Indian style I bury it just like a cat.

dlm


dlm

[Garage30]

When I was at my girlfriends house to meet her parents and all that for the first time, after a while I went to the toilet and just had a NUCLEAR shit. Not like a turd or two, but a PILE of crap. Tried to flush and it was just completely choked, with water rising to the edge of the toilet, not a mm to spare. I can't really remember how I fixed it but it took AGES and like 17 flushes... Was a small house too and they could hear everything lol.

[15Michaeljoseph]

When I was at my girlfriends house to meet her parents and all that for the first time, after a while I went to the toilet and just had a NUCLEAR shit. Not like a turd or two, but a PILE of crap. Tried to flush and it was just completely choked, with water rising to the edge of the toilet, not a mm to spare. I can't really remember how I fixed it but it took AGES and like 17 flushes... Was a small house too and they could hear everything lol.

I'd have jumped out the window


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[e30onBBSs]

To set the scene, I was corrupted by my brother and he got me into smoking weed as a sophomore or something and I stopped. At least a year later my parents went to London and this is when the worst deuce happened.

I caved into peer pressure and took a juicy bong rip after many friends and my girlfriend and my brother telling me to do it. I felt like shit and went upstairs and hopped on the shitter, and unleashed the widest and most uniform cylindrical poop I have ever shitted. I think the weed just cleaned me out. Anyways this thing was huge and I was just looking at it laughing. I flushed the toilet and it disappeared with less than 1mm on each side. It was a glorious fit and was rather satisfying to watch.

So this toilet is basically right next to my room and sometimes it keeps running water, because the flapper thing doesn't seal right. Sometimes it barely leaks like this it was this time. When it barely leaks it sounds like normal but then a couple minutes later the sound doesn't go away. Being stoned and lazy and in bed already about to fall asleep with my girlfriend I decided to not worry about the toilet and fall asleep. Not 30 seconds later I hear another sound. Not just a little seepage past the flapper, but the sound of water overflowing over the toilet bowl and onto the ground. I hop up and out of bed as two friends John and Chad were walking up my stairs out of the blue. I'm in boxers, stoned, and as I turn the corner into the bathroom I am faced with the worst.

My soup can width deuce was no match for my toilets measly piping once it disappeared from view, and the deuce had clogged the line so the extra water flowing through the flapper had no where to go but back towards the toilet bowl, and onto the ground. The bathroom was covered in shit water, I could see little strands. My friends are dying in laughter, my girlfriend is like wtf?! and I'm like F***!!! I hop into that shit, and turn the water off. Shit water is everywhere. I throw my socks off and start grabbing towels and shit. After so many big towels Most of the bathroom is clean. I run downstairs, where there is a bathroom below the upstairs bathroom.

I shit you not, there was poop water flowing through the light in the ceiling of the downstairs bathroom. I was freaking out but grabbed a bucket and snagged most of the deuky water and it was okay. My parents still don't know that happened. Much anti-bacterial cleaning later I think it's okay lol

[E30_Pare]

Bump. Re-discovered my baby and I need new stories. Plz deliver.

[Stanley Rockafella]

I;ve always envied those who can poop regularly.
Since I was a kid, taking a dump was a momentous occasion.
Luckily I've discovered a healthy set of herbal supplements to make it regular.

Man, feels amazing to go once a day. People need to appreciate the ability to go regularly. 'Cause some of us can't

[cale]

Booked an AirBNB at a friends place, he was away so it'd just be me. Go out for the night and get obliterated, friends drop me off after the bars close and there I am fumbling drunk trying to figure out the code to get inside because I have to unleash a bowl destroyer. Spend about 5 minutes with a noodle finger on my phone trying to figure out the code to get inside but I cannot hold it any longer.

Given that it's a friends yard I'm in a slight predicament so I decide to go across the street into the woods. Stumble my way over there, release 2 pounds of lager lubed coils and then make my way back to the house to carry on with my quest to get inside.....where the fuck is my phone?! Pitch black, no phone in sight and locked out of the only place I have to stay. Accept my fate and make patio furniture the home for the night (1.5 stars) and wake up at first light.

The search for my phone recommences although any attempt to look down results in dizziness and an unstoppable urge to vomit, but I go on. No phone in sight in the yard so I make my way back to the woods to search. Turns out the woods was someones well manicured garden, but low and behold there's my Samsung next to a pile of shit that would impress Jeff Goldblum and a shit smeared ankle sock to boot....."can I help you?". Turns out the only other person who saw fit to wake up at 0-dark-stupid on a Sunday morning is an older gentleman who is looking to get an early start on tending to his garden. Graciously excused myself in a rush with phone in hand and one sock down and did not return for night #2 at that airbnb. Never did tell the friend....