Thank YOU Chuck Norris.

[shiftbmw]

Chuck Norris went into a Burger King and ordered a Big Mac...and got it.

[32.5i]

wow way to resurrect and old thread, noice!

[Majikal]

If Chuck Norris is running late... time slows down.

Chuck Norris doesn't do push-ups, He benchpresses the world.

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

Chuck Norris does not sleep... he waits.

Chuck Norris' Cowboy Boots are made from REAL cowboys

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light... because the dark is scared of Chuck Norris

If Chuck Norris ever visits the Virgin Islands, they will forever be known afterwards as just... The Islands.

Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies... he potato sacks them...

[CleanAzzE30z]

this is gold...pure gold.


Mariano

[jbsjunk]

Chuck Norris must be the toughest man on the planet . . .

After taking the first steps on the moon and saying the immortal words, "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind", Neil Armstrong looked to his right, only to see Chuck Norris there on the moon, sitting on a lawn chair drinking a beer. "Giant leap, my ass", Chuck replied.

Chuck Norris does not have pubic hair, he has a groin beard.

Chuck Norris can eat not just six Saltine crackers in a minute, but six sleeves of them. Remarkably, this ability has nothing to do with roundhouse kicks; he just loves eating crackers.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a drooling retarded kid because he thought he was spitting at him.

If you don't know who your father is, he's probably Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicks in front of a mirror there is no reflection.

Angered by the fact that Hurricane Katrina was not named Hurricane Chuck, Norris went on a killing spree. It is been rumored that he mutilated 7 meterologists, 15 journalists, and 3 unrelated civilians. He was seen later on screaming "Who's a CAT 5 now bitch?!"

Chuck Norris defeated the Canadian Army with a rusty wooden spoon.

Instead of coal on Chritmas, Chuck Norris gives kids a roundhouse kick to the face, then he takes the cookies and milk becuase their is no such thing as santa, their is simply... Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can charge a cellular phone just by rubbing it against his beard.

Chuck Norris likes his girls like he likes his whiskey - 12 years old and mixed up with coke.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a waitress because his steak didn't have a beard.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Chuck Norris once snorted a line of crank off his own penis. The rush instantly killed him, however neither Heaven nor Hell could handle Norris, so he was sent back to Earth.

Chuck Norris' beard is the inspiration for modern day steel wool.

Chuck Norris invented feminists just so he could give them roundhouse kicks to the face.

Chuck Norris was born Charles Edwin Norris III. Despite being mere minutes old, he grabbed his birth certificate and roundhouse-kicked it up his father's ass because, as he said, "I will never get any waffleswaffleswaffleswaffleswaffles with the name Charles. From now on, call me Chuck... because it rhymes with fuck."

Chuck Norris is able to have unprotected sex with Paris Hilton and not get the clap.

Every Friday, Chuck Norris stands menacingly on the shores of southern Texas and gazes stoicly into the ocean, whilst masturbating. This is why Hurricane Rita turned east.

Chuck Norris action figures have been banned in the United States and Mexico due to roundhouse action related eye loss in children.

One time this guy dreamt about kicking Chuck Norris' ass. His funeral was last Wednesday.

Chuck Norris single-handedly built the Great Wall of China after losing a bet with Buddha.

Whenever you masturbate, Chuck Norris kills a kitten, but not really because you masturbated..just for the hell of it.

Antibodies are not the cure for polio, doctors actually inject paients with Chuck Norris' sperm to roundhouse kick the disease.

Chuck Norris does not buy his beef in the store. No, he goes into a pasture and starts eating a cow alive while it is grazing.

Contrary to popular belief, The atomic bombings of Nagasaki and Hiroshima were actually orgasms of Japanese prostitutes, compliments of Chuck Norris.

The way the wind blows depends on which direction Chuck Norris is kicking ass.

People like being Mr. Rogers neighbor. Not because they live near Mr. Rogers, but because Chuck Norris is the neighborhood watchman.

Contrary to popular belief, Mary was not a virgin. Chuck impregnated her and the result was a bearded man named Jesus that could walk on water and turn stone into bread. He could not, however, throw a proper roundhouse kick. Chuck abandoned them and denied that Jesus was his son by proclaiming that Mary was a virgin. Everyone listened, because he is Chuck Norris.

Dinasaurs are extinct because Chuck Norris grew tired of their shit.





Did I ever tell you about the time Chuck Norris took me out to go get a drink with him? We go off looking for a bar and we can't find one. Finally Chuck Norris takes me to a vacant lot and says, 'Here we are.' We sat there for a year and a half and sure enough someone constructs a bar around us. The day they opened we ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, 'Always leave things the way you found em!'"

99% of Chuck Norris is kick ass. The remaining 1% is pain in your genitals. The other 10% contributes to world hunger because Chuck Norris always gives 110%.

Chuck Norris once went to jail. The morning after his first night all the inmates, all the guards, and the warden had bleeding assholes.

Chuck Norris made a sequel to Pretty Woman, in which he repeatedly roundhouse kicks Julia Roberts in the face for 90 minutes. He ends with the line "Not so pretty now, are ya BEEEEYATCH!!!"

When asked by a reporter what his only weakness was Chuck Norris replied, "I sometimes love too much." He then ripped out the reporters spine and beat him to death with it.

Chuck Norris once took sleeping pills. They made him blink.

Chuck Norris lives by the motto, "A roundhouse a day, keeps the doctor away." This is unfortunate for Chuck Norris' closest friends and family, most of whom are either dead or dieing.

Chuck Norris was kicked out of the National Kickball League for roundhouse kicking the balls through people's torsos.

Chuck Norris frequents the San Diego zoo for his favorite past time event - teabagging the baby giraffes.

For Chuck Norris, Bloodstain Remover is tax deductable.

Chuck Norris' ball sweat is an acid so potent, the only things that can withstand it are Chuck Norris' balls.

Chuck Norris' beard isn't hair. It is actually solidified testosterone.

Chuck Norris believes that a flamethrower is an essential part of a well balanced breakfast.

Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".

Chuck Norris was only in a wheel chair once in his life... so he could take down Steven Hawking fairly.

[jbsjunk]

Chuck Norris once received a spam e-mail that was supposedly from a fifteen year old girl who had a brain tumor from repeated beatings. In the name of science, the Norris went forth and beat ninety four teenage girls to death and had the local hospital do scans. No tumors.

In 1989, Phil Collins challenged Chuck Norris to a drinking contest. Collins passed out after the 6th shot of moonshine. Chuck Norris went on to drink 12 more shots and a pint of antifreeze just to prove Collins a waffleswaffleswaffleswaffleswaffles. This, of course, led to the fall of the Berlin Wall later that year.

Due to the excessive amount of unprotected sex Chuck Norris takes part in, it is garunteed that he appears in your family tree anywhere from 3 to 10 times.

Chuck Norris was originally cast as Ra’s Al Ghul in Batman Begins. He was released from his contract after it became clear he was never going to let Batman win.

Chuck Norris once owned and operated a line of Sex-shops, but decided it would be funnier if he sold it to a kid's entertainment corporation. This chain still retains its original name, "Chuck E. Cheese's".

Chuck Norris just saved a ton of money on his car insurance. Then he kicked somebody in the face.

Snap, Crackle, and Pop were named after the sounds that were made when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked their father into a barn.

Chuck Norris once killed a man, bought him back to life, and then killed him again. When asked why he said, "Did you see the look on his face the second time around? Priceless."

Chuck Norris hates it when people have lisps, so he roundhouses kicks them in the throat, silencing them for all eternity.

The total number of deaths from World War II is 52,199,262. Chuck Norris is 2 kills from breaking that record.

When Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks you, he tears a hole in the fabric of space and time, which sucks you into a parallel universe filled with Chuck Norrises, all waiting to roundhouse kick you back into the normal dimension.

On 9/11 Chuck Norris didn't say anything. Instead he hopped into the Norriscoptor, flew to Afghanistan, captured Osama bin Laden and keeps him locked in his basement. He has promised president Bush he'll turn him over once he's done beating the shit out of him.

The Chaos Theory was invented when a Scientist observed Chuck Norris frantically search for his car keys when he was late for a beard trimming appointment.

Chuck Norris thinks bathrooms are a waste of time. He'd rather shit all over the floor and get it over with.

Chuck Norris walks with somewhat of a limp; this is not the result of a stunt injury, as certain media accounts have insinuated, but because of his cumbersome rhinoceros balls.

Chuck Norris once went into a room with ten bad guys in it, but only had nine bullets. He came out without a scratch, and a full clip.

There is three ways to do things. The right way, the wrong way and the Chuck Norris way. The Chuck Norris way is just the wrong way but with more roundhouse kicks

In 2005, Chuck Norris forced Vatican clergy to rewrite the Bible to include all the benefits of working out with the Total Gym.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris was raised by Lowland Gorillas and returns to Africa once a year to mate and reassert his dominance over the rest of the tribe through a complex series of grunts, chest thumping and roundhouse kicks.

Bowling is actually a sport derived from when Chuck accidentally roundhouse kicked himself in the testicles and one broke free. In a fit of rage he threw it at a nearby forest creating our modern logging industry as well.

Chuck Norris is suing the band "Survivor" because they explicitly stole the phrase "eye of the tiger," which Chuck had previously named his penis hole after.

Chuck Norris stands outside of abortion clinics and stomp-kicks babies out of pregnant women after shouting, "Sunset!" Every woman that has had this done has thanked Chuck Norris. Then Chuck re-impregnated all of them with his seed.

Chuck Norris doesn't put his pants on one leg at a time. He roundhouse kicks into them.

Chuck Norris has slept with every woman in the world just to be absolutely sure that he has fucked your wife.

Chuck Norris shot 2pac and Biggie, but the police were too afraid to actually arrest him in fear of being roundhouse kicked and sodomized.

Every one of Chuck Norris' appendages has been deemed a lethal weapon by 12 different governments, except for his penis, which is so deadly that these governments require it to teach a moderately priced self defense class to their respective militaries. This has become Chuck's primary source of income other than the money he is sent for protection from his roundhouse kick.

What Kayne West forgot to tell you is Chuck Norris also does not care about black people. He does not care about white people, Asians or Hispanics. In fact all Chuck Norris cares about is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris invented margarine by singlehandedly spitting and ejaculating at the same time. Popular imitations are secretly known as "I Can't Beleive It's Not Chuck Norris".

Chuck Norris got banned from the state of Florida after he roundhouse kicked a dolphin at Seaworld.

In 1929 the stock market crashed. The reason this happened was because of a fight between Chuck Norris and Godzilla. Many people bet on Godzilla.

Chuck Norris viciously attacks Bill Gates anytime he needs lunch money.
Scientists from 50 different countries tried to measure the speed of Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick. They will be missed.

[CleanAzzE30z]

I just cant get enough...


Mariano

[ldsbeaker]

I almost think this is better than the cats thread. (before nasty puke chick, that is...)

[MikeE30325i]

oh my god. this is fucking hilarious.

chuck norris is insane.

[Maluco]

[JasonC]

When Chuck Norris cuts an onion, only the onion cries.

At night all around the world, people pray to God. Who does God pray to? Chuck Norris.

[Maluco]

LMAO at the first one..

[JasonC]

[uofom3]

Haha

[Jand3rson]

I am fucking DYING of laughter right now, no bullshit.

The ones about the Japanese prostitutes and teabagging the baby giraffes are killing me.