F my life

[OOMPH!]

"Today, I woke up to find that my dog was missing. I spent about an hour searching for him when my psycho ex-girlfriend texted me his photo. She'd kidnapped him. After driving over there, she shot paintballs at my car. Now I have no dog and a colorful car. FML"


Nicademus?

[BrewCity11]

I actually have my own. It's kind of long, better told in person, but still funny.

(6 years ago or so)

So, I'm 20 yo, in the Army stationed at Ft. Lewis, WA. Me and a buddy decide we're going to go out and pick up some girls.

We choose to drive down to Olympia. Can't remember the street name now, but back then there was a long one-way strip with a turnaround, and another on-way strip coming back the other way. Lots of young people would cruise there and then park somewhere to chat.

After a few laps, we decide to call it quits. We got a late start, and now at midnight the street was almost dead.

Just then, at the end of the strip, we see these two bleach blonde girls walking down the sidewalk. We looked at each other and were like WTF!?
After some deliberation, we decided they weren't hookers, so we pulled a u-turn and went in for the kill.

Turns out, the easywork was already done. Their dates had stood them up at the movie theater, and they were just walking back from the Jack-in-box, about a block down.

Fast forward...we take them back to base, head up to my buddy's room to watch a movie. Crack open some beers for me and Justin, and girls asked for wine (weird, but we were always prepared)

The way his barracks room was situated, his bed was up against the wall the long way, and the TV across from it. So we all lay on the bed , backs against the wall, and watch the movie. Me on one end, the two girls in the middle, and Justin on the other.

As the movie progresses, a blanket ends up on us, and some petting begins which just turns into me and the girl next to me holding hands. Here is where i will begin bulleting the chain of events:

-movie ends
-the girl next to me stands up, saying she needs to go to the bathroom
-i realize, i'm not holding her hand, so I come to the conclusion, i'm holding the OTHER girls hand, lol, right?

-girl #1 asks girl #2 to go to the bathroom with her

-girl #2 gets up, and I am STILL holding someones hand

-I look over at Justin, he looks over at me, we snap our hands back and start cracking up. We had been holding hands for at least 20 minutes.

-girls start asking what's so funny, and we say "nothing, don't worry about it"

-our friendship is never the same. we can never hug or shake hands anymore. too scarring of an event.

FML
-Turk

[OOMPH!]

^^^^ funny. So were you "petting" his junk under the blanket too?

[Alkasquawlik]

Today, I was in the change room at the local YMCA. I went to use the hair dryer but couldn't because a naked old man was bent over, butt cheeks spread wide with his hands, and ass aimed at the dryer. He seemed to be enjoying it. FML

What was blunt doing at the YMCA?

i lol'd in class.

[daniel]

i knew you guys would like that site.

[Desaevious]

hahaha yeah I love FML! A lot of it is questionable but hilarious anyway.

[moloc325]

Today, I was driving at night and saw a small animal run across the road. I slammed on my brakes and got rear-ended. The animal turned out to be a plastic grocery bag. FML

[Collin]

My life fucking rules.

Today I found a bag of weed laying next to my car in a parking lot, got bonus points on my final grade from my prof for showing him how to download videos from youtube, got laid in the middle of the afternoon for no reason, got a free burrito from taco bell because I had to wait 6 minutes for my empanada, got a case of beer on the cheap, the gf got a large bonus from work she didn't know she was getting, and I aced my final.

Life is great. Oh and it's 60 degrees and sunny today, beautiful PA spring weather.

[daniel]

hahaha yeah I love FML! A lot of it is questionable but hilarious anyway.

yeah i would guess about half of it is fake, but it is always entertaining.

[pawi30]

Today, I had sex with a girl who cried out as she came "Forgive me Lord! Forgive me Lord!" FML

...priceless

[ban1]

Today, I had sex with a girl who cried out as she came "Forgive me Lord! Forgive me Lord!" FML

...priceless

HAHA :giggle:

[318isbmw]

Its my gf's favorite site, she loves that site. Hilarious stuff on there.

[pawi30]

Today, was just like almost every day I've had for the past few months. I slept till 1pm, smoked cigarettes, jerked off, went to the store to get coffee, smoked more cigarettes, and sat in my room alone until 4am, jerking off and smoking cigarettes. FML


sounds like a couple people in here .... jk

[Alkasquawlik]

Its my gf's favorite site, she loves that site. Hilarious stuff on there.

mine too. all she does now is text me random quotes that she finds funny from the site

[Apex381]

Today, in a very crowded public restroom at a sporting arena, after looking to the man using the urinal to his right, my 6 year old son turns to address me on his left and exclaims, "Daddy, that man's wiener is a lot bigger than yours!" The whole bathroom heard and looked immediately at me. FML

hahahahahaha