I was in the middle of getting ready to go out for the evening when an unknown number called my phone. Lately, I have been receiving picture texts of some baby from a random number that I traced backed to Puerto Rico, so I was relieved when I recognized a local area code. Since my cell is also my business line and I have clients that call me at their whim, I answer to all unknown numbers with a cheery, “Hello this is Peter”. An excited, “Pete, what’s going man?” greeted me. I was applying toothpaste to my Oral – B and I wasn’t entirely engaged in the greeting so I replied: Hey not much, how are you? I immediately thought to myself, shoot, am I supposed to know this person? The person on the other line began to talk to me with a very awkward delayed delivery. At first I thought one of my friends might be at a bar and already drunk because the cadence sounded on the verge of the stereo typical stoner / drunk person. After a few minutes of, what I’ll call rapport building, I interrupted him; hey I’m sorry who this is? Pete, this is Mike the guy with the hella lights you called about. Oh right, hey Mike, thanks for returning my call, I’m assuming you still have them? About five seconds go by, I hear a breath in and then a breath out, what kind of car do you have? I have a 1986 BMW e30. Silence… A 1986 BMW huh? Yes. I’m brushing my teeth and the conversation turns into car talk about e30’s for a bit. He starts firing off questions about my car – unorthodox detailed questions – to the point where I was describing the mud flaps on my car. I said they were stock and he laughed at me: kid, it’s a BMW not a truck it didn’t come stock with mud flaps. I’m laughing to myself; thinking is this Cheech calling me from his van messing with me? He then asks me if I have an IS spoiler. Yes, I have an IS spoiler. Wow! Those are rare. Ok, is this guy mocking me now? I replied: really? I didn’t know that, I have another one in my basement. Yeah, man those are really rare. I’m finished brushing my teeth and I have to drive 30 minutes to a place where I’m already running late, so I track the conversation back to business and asked when I can take a look at the headlights. Silence. I pull my phone away from my ear and look at it for a bad signal. Well, Pete. These lights are perfect for your car. I even have the wiring harness for them…I’m just thinking if I’ll have time to install them for you. Oh, you wouldn’t have to install them, I can handle that. I hear, inhale- exhale. I don’t let him talk, listen Mike, I got your number how about I swing by tomorrow? I am trying to run to my buddy’s house right now.
The next evening I follow up with Mike. The tempo of the conversation is similar and he agrees to let me take the half hour drive at 8:15pm to check out these lights. Yesterday, during our conversation he mentioned that he used to build e30’s for/with this company I didn’t recognize at the time – so even though my moon roof was off my car for repair, I figured I would take it, thinking he might appreciate taking a look at it.
The house I pull up to is one that no one would feel comfortable arriving at during a moonless evening. I almost missed the turn it was so dark, there was no mailbox and since the faint mirage of a house that was hidden by a fence overtaken by brush didn’t have an address on it, I dialed his number. He answered, flicked the porch light and said the driveway goes all the way around his house and instructs me to drive to the front. I looked around. I was driving my car down a gravel road with many no trespassing signs that funneled into a gate. I contemplated backing down for easy exit, but then slowly proceeded passed what I thought was the back door. As I etched passed the only light on the property, I decided to stop and get out. I look up at the massive pine trees engulfing what some would call a driveway and what others would call a trail, and told them if any sap gets on my car, there will be hell to pay. Mike walks out of the house with the hella lights in the box. I’m probably freaking him out because I parked in the dark and I am approaching him in a lit area - Similar to him being on a well lit stage and not being able to see the crowd.
My first impression of Mike is a confused one, this guy works on BMWs? It was approaching 9 o’clock, he was greasy grimy and carried a faint smell of bud heavy on his breath. He had “I fix American Muscle Cars” written across his forehead – I felt like I could really identify with him because of that, but I was confused as he appeared to be this walking contradiction. We shake hands, do the meet and greet and I said, hey I brought my car do you want me to bring it into the light so you can see it? Yeah, Yeah, I would really like that, back it up. As I am driving in reverse, windows down, moon roof not there, I hear – whhhaaattt? And wooooooeeeee. I didn’t know if I was running something over or he was actually impressed. I stop the car and get out, I look up and he is backing away, eyes wide open, hand on his mouth. I look at him, I look at my car; what the heck is going on here? I think to myself. He say’s you have no idea. No shit I have no idea. He says I was going to build a car to look just like this, this is wild – I have to get my wife. He steps on the first step and taps on the window, I see three cats scatter and I’m thinking is this a set up? Honey, you need to see his car. OK Mike, I’m coming. She opens the door and has a similar reaction and says that is just like the one you wanted to build! Oh dear, is that line? Am I about to get a gun pulled on me? As she told me about her e30’s of the past, Mike was walking around my car slowly, touching it, as if it was some sort of familiar ghost and he had to check it if it was real. He touches parts of the car that are painted black and holds it while he says, this - I was going to paint this black just like you did. It was the bottom part of the car – stock black. He is going through everything, touching stuff poking around talking to himself; oh these mud flaps look good he says. I’m really confused, is this guy high or does he really love e30’s?
He slowly brings himself back to the stairs as if he needed to approach with caution. The hella headlights were in the box written in German language. It takes all of about 3 minutes for me to establish that these are cherry, have never been mounted to a car and I just scored because all he wanted was $125. I did something I rarely do and just handed him the cash without beating him up on the price.
Conversation strikes back up again, as he starts telling me about the car that never was and all the parts he had for it. He’s hymning and hawing regretting some of the stuff he sold and then says you should see the engine I built for the car. He’s trying to remember exactly what it was…parts of an m3 and parts of a 525 with special cams he tells me. I said wow that’s cool – do you still have that? He shoots me a look, let’s get in the car. OK then, as if I am a dumb kid excited to open the back of a blue van in hopes for a bike the stranger told him about.
I back down the drive way and he tells me to go left. Left was a long dirt road with very thick brush and that’s all I could see – great place for haunted hay rides. I begin down the road. Now the inside of my car is being evaluated. He is touching stuff and I begin to realize this guy is genuinely impressed with the cleanliness. He say’s let me guess, bilsteins. Yep, with Racing Dynamic springs I reply. Did you replace the rubber mounts when you did the install he asks? I said do you mean the spring pads? No, he says the rubber mounts with the bearings in it. I thought to myself great here we go, no I didn’t. He shoots me a dirty look. Meanwhile I am noticing the heavy brush is being replaced with parked semis trucks on both sides of me, some were on and some were disassembled. Boats were in the mix, mostly disassembled. He interrupts my escape plan, “we’ll you should of replace them, I can hear it knocking slightly”. I feel badly I let this BMW enthusiast down, but I’m sorry I don’t notice anything and by the way, we are traveling down a bumpy/ rocking road. I replied oh man; I’m doing a 5 lug swap soon so I’ll take care of that then. He then says, good then you can have bigger brakes. Hey, maybe this guy does know his stuff. I take this opportunity to ask him if he smells any sort of faint coolant burning. “I don’t do smells, I can’t smell anything, I only do hearing things”.
A large old barn is now in my vision, I see a room on the top left corner unveiled by a light and the occupant is staring out; a big trucker silhouette is highlighted by the frame of the sliding glass window. Does someone live up there? I inquire. Yes, pull up right up here. In retrospect, I was really distracted by this adventure because I was not doing enough self meditating of the taekwondo that was taught to me back when I wanted to be a ninja turtle – from ages 6-16. He gets out, walks across the front of my car and past me to unlock a pad-lock on the side of this barn. Opens the door, walks in turns on the light – it’s a mechanics shop, a messy one, but a mechanics shop. He says follow me, we walk past his desk and into a narrow closet. Behind his desk I caught a glimpse of framed newspaper clippings of one of Schneller’s featured builds when an m5 motor was stuffed into an e30 back in the early 90’s. I turn back down the closet and Mike is standing next to this elusive engine and it’s covered up. He looks at me, I look at him, and he smiles and pulls the cover. The motor is painted red and black just like my car. Now, the tables are turned and I’m thinking woooooee and, woooow. He’s going over it and telling me how it will easily produce 260hp as it is right now. I said nice, paused and said so you trying to sell it? Well he said, I would have to have a very good offer. I don’t bite, I just stand there looking at it – I start analyzing it like he analyzed my car. I’m thinking, well, he’s attached to it and it’s clean, but those hella lights were such a good deal, I don’t want to show my cards yet. Oh yeah? What are you hoping to get. He pauses and takes a deep breath in and exhales the amount: five hundred dollars. $500!?, I think to myself? What the heck is going here?
I replied well, $500, I’ll think about it. You know Mike; I’d be willing to pay some more if you help me put it in. Well that would be $3000. I laughed, I’m not pulling one past this guy - Oh, nevermind. We walk back into the main area and I am right up on the framed newspaper clippings. He says, I helped build that, we put an m5 motor in an e30 and then did some motor work to get 330 horsepower out of it. He went into detail about the build and I just listened, soaking it in…
Mike turned out to be a really cool guy. The exchange wasn’t emotional like I thought it would be. He seemed happy to be “tossing me the keys” sort of speak and we had a few laughs and shared a few stories as we loaded his creation into my truck. I got the name of the person that sourced him the cams, gave him a couple of antique chainsaws (he had a bunch of chainsaws he was fixing) as a gift and went on my way…
At this moment, I don’t even really know what I bought. I haven’t decoded anything yet. He told me he built it years ago, and assured me that he cranked it by hand very often. I asked how many miles he thought were on it, he said maybe 2,000. 2,000? Yeah, I built this motor probably 12 years ago and I was around crashed BMW’s all the time.
The next evening I follow up with Mike. The tempo of the conversation is similar and he agrees to let me take the half hour drive at 8:15pm to check out these lights. Yesterday, during our conversation he mentioned that he used to build e30’s for/with this company I didn’t recognize at the time – so even though my moon roof was off my car for repair, I figured I would take it, thinking he might appreciate taking a look at it.
The house I pull up to is one that no one would feel comfortable arriving at during a moonless evening. I almost missed the turn it was so dark, there was no mailbox and since the faint mirage of a house that was hidden by a fence overtaken by brush didn’t have an address on it, I dialed his number. He answered, flicked the porch light and said the driveway goes all the way around his house and instructs me to drive to the front. I looked around. I was driving my car down a gravel road with many no trespassing signs that funneled into a gate. I contemplated backing down for easy exit, but then slowly proceeded passed what I thought was the back door. As I etched passed the only light on the property, I decided to stop and get out. I look up at the massive pine trees engulfing what some would call a driveway and what others would call a trail, and told them if any sap gets on my car, there will be hell to pay. Mike walks out of the house with the hella lights in the box. I’m probably freaking him out because I parked in the dark and I am approaching him in a lit area - Similar to him being on a well lit stage and not being able to see the crowd.
My first impression of Mike is a confused one, this guy works on BMWs? It was approaching 9 o’clock, he was greasy grimy and carried a faint smell of bud heavy on his breath. He had “I fix American Muscle Cars” written across his forehead – I felt like I could really identify with him because of that, but I was confused as he appeared to be this walking contradiction. We shake hands, do the meet and greet and I said, hey I brought my car do you want me to bring it into the light so you can see it? Yeah, Yeah, I would really like that, back it up. As I am driving in reverse, windows down, moon roof not there, I hear – whhhaaattt? And wooooooeeeee. I didn’t know if I was running something over or he was actually impressed. I stop the car and get out, I look up and he is backing away, eyes wide open, hand on his mouth. I look at him, I look at my car; what the heck is going on here? I think to myself. He say’s you have no idea. No shit I have no idea. He says I was going to build a car to look just like this, this is wild – I have to get my wife. He steps on the first step and taps on the window, I see three cats scatter and I’m thinking is this a set up? Honey, you need to see his car. OK Mike, I’m coming. She opens the door and has a similar reaction and says that is just like the one you wanted to build! Oh dear, is that line? Am I about to get a gun pulled on me? As she told me about her e30’s of the past, Mike was walking around my car slowly, touching it, as if it was some sort of familiar ghost and he had to check it if it was real. He touches parts of the car that are painted black and holds it while he says, this - I was going to paint this black just like you did. It was the bottom part of the car – stock black. He is going through everything, touching stuff poking around talking to himself; oh these mud flaps look good he says. I’m really confused, is this guy high or does he really love e30’s?
He slowly brings himself back to the stairs as if he needed to approach with caution. The hella headlights were in the box written in German language. It takes all of about 3 minutes for me to establish that these are cherry, have never been mounted to a car and I just scored because all he wanted was $125. I did something I rarely do and just handed him the cash without beating him up on the price.
Conversation strikes back up again, as he starts telling me about the car that never was and all the parts he had for it. He’s hymning and hawing regretting some of the stuff he sold and then says you should see the engine I built for the car. He’s trying to remember exactly what it was…parts of an m3 and parts of a 525 with special cams he tells me. I said wow that’s cool – do you still have that? He shoots me a look, let’s get in the car. OK then, as if I am a dumb kid excited to open the back of a blue van in hopes for a bike the stranger told him about.
I back down the drive way and he tells me to go left. Left was a long dirt road with very thick brush and that’s all I could see – great place for haunted hay rides. I begin down the road. Now the inside of my car is being evaluated. He is touching stuff and I begin to realize this guy is genuinely impressed with the cleanliness. He say’s let me guess, bilsteins. Yep, with Racing Dynamic springs I reply. Did you replace the rubber mounts when you did the install he asks? I said do you mean the spring pads? No, he says the rubber mounts with the bearings in it. I thought to myself great here we go, no I didn’t. He shoots me a dirty look. Meanwhile I am noticing the heavy brush is being replaced with parked semis trucks on both sides of me, some were on and some were disassembled. Boats were in the mix, mostly disassembled. He interrupts my escape plan, “we’ll you should of replace them, I can hear it knocking slightly”. I feel badly I let this BMW enthusiast down, but I’m sorry I don’t notice anything and by the way, we are traveling down a bumpy/ rocking road. I replied oh man; I’m doing a 5 lug swap soon so I’ll take care of that then. He then says, good then you can have bigger brakes. Hey, maybe this guy does know his stuff. I take this opportunity to ask him if he smells any sort of faint coolant burning. “I don’t do smells, I can’t smell anything, I only do hearing things”.
A large old barn is now in my vision, I see a room on the top left corner unveiled by a light and the occupant is staring out; a big trucker silhouette is highlighted by the frame of the sliding glass window. Does someone live up there? I inquire. Yes, pull up right up here. In retrospect, I was really distracted by this adventure because I was not doing enough self meditating of the taekwondo that was taught to me back when I wanted to be a ninja turtle – from ages 6-16. He gets out, walks across the front of my car and past me to unlock a pad-lock on the side of this barn. Opens the door, walks in turns on the light – it’s a mechanics shop, a messy one, but a mechanics shop. He says follow me, we walk past his desk and into a narrow closet. Behind his desk I caught a glimpse of framed newspaper clippings of one of Schneller’s featured builds when an m5 motor was stuffed into an e30 back in the early 90’s. I turn back down the closet and Mike is standing next to this elusive engine and it’s covered up. He looks at me, I look at him, and he smiles and pulls the cover. The motor is painted red and black just like my car. Now, the tables are turned and I’m thinking woooooee and, woooow. He’s going over it and telling me how it will easily produce 260hp as it is right now. I said nice, paused and said so you trying to sell it? Well he said, I would have to have a very good offer. I don’t bite, I just stand there looking at it – I start analyzing it like he analyzed my car. I’m thinking, well, he’s attached to it and it’s clean, but those hella lights were such a good deal, I don’t want to show my cards yet. Oh yeah? What are you hoping to get. He pauses and takes a deep breath in and exhales the amount: five hundred dollars. $500!?, I think to myself? What the heck is going here?
I replied well, $500, I’ll think about it. You know Mike; I’d be willing to pay some more if you help me put it in. Well that would be $3000. I laughed, I’m not pulling one past this guy - Oh, nevermind. We walk back into the main area and I am right up on the framed newspaper clippings. He says, I helped build that, we put an m5 motor in an e30 and then did some motor work to get 330 horsepower out of it. He went into detail about the build and I just listened, soaking it in…
Mike turned out to be a really cool guy. The exchange wasn’t emotional like I thought it would be. He seemed happy to be “tossing me the keys” sort of speak and we had a few laughs and shared a few stories as we loaded his creation into my truck. I got the name of the person that sourced him the cams, gave him a couple of antique chainsaws (he had a bunch of chainsaws he was fixing) as a gift and went on my way…
At this moment, I don’t even really know what I bought. I haven’t decoded anything yet. He told me he built it years ago, and assured me that he cranked it by hand very often. I asked how many miles he thought were on it, he said maybe 2,000. 2,000? Yeah, I built this motor probably 12 years ago and I was around crashed BMW’s all the time.
Attached Files
Comment