The Official "How Do You Wipe Your Ass" Thread

[permit]

Question 1: How much paper; do you use a lot or a little? If you use a little amount, aren't you afraid of touching residues of shit with your bare hand? If you use a lot, do you ever wonder how much extra money you spend a year on TP to satisfy your needs? Do you count the squares you use, or just 'wing it?' And finally, do you fold the squares neatly or wad it up like a piece of trash? **Bonus points: do you use baby wipes?**

Question 2: What is your angle of attack? Do you swoop around the side and go back to front? Front to back? While on the can or off? Do you bend over like a cripple and reach through your legs to get the treasure? Maybe you do something odd, like stand up and do it. Do you wipe at all?

Question 3: How do you know you're done? Do you inspect the damage done to the TP and gauge it that way? Do you do it based on feel? Do you wipe until there's no more brown on the TP? If you do do it more than once, aren't you concerned about clogging the John?

Question 4: Do you wash your hands? With soap? With hand sanitizer? With your pants? If not, is it because you like to sniff your fingers throughout the day because you lack the ability to fart on command and get lonely when you're without that, "Oh, that was a little wet," scent?

Feel free to add questions if you think I'm missing something.

:D

[ivo316]

Hahahahahahaha !!!

You ARE sick man :D

[325Projectz]

LOL!

You must be drunk.

[Mr Deagle]

thats what MikeE30325i would post

[golfdmb18]

i have another question to add...do you wash your hands after your done?

[mrsleeve]

Hey wasnt this over on Bfc OT a while back?

here is a question, Wad or fold the TP?

I

[DEV0 E30]

Jeremy, please tell me you are under the influence of something... for god sakes man!

[permit]

Questions edited and question added. Nice job minions.

I choose to not be under the influence tonight, believe it or not.

[mtechnik]

Do you bend over like a cripple and reach through your legs to get the treasure?

AHAHAHAHHHAAHAHAHHAAHAHAHHH

I NEVER THOUGHT i'd see a thread like this on R3V. :)

[benDASHDASH]

honest answers for some good questions:

Question 1: How much paper; do you use a lot or a little? If you use a little amount, aren't you afraid of touching residues of shit with your bare hand? If you use a lot, do you ever wonder how much extra money you spend a year on TP to satisfy your needs? Do you count the squares you use, or just 'wing it?' And finally, do you fold the squares neatly or wad it up like a piece of trash?

Usually about 10 sheets for the first pass, then 5 after that. Unless its wet. I almost always make a third pass to check. I gauge this upon feel. And these are most definitely wadded like newspaper when packing.. its more fluffy and adds thickness.

Question 2: What is your angle of attack? Do you swoop around the side and go back to front? Front to back? While on the can or off? Do you bend over like a cripple and reach through your legs to get the treasure? Maybe you do something odd, like stand up and do it. Do you wipe at all?

Front to back to remove the bulk on the first pass. I'd rather keep added flavor off the tea bag.

Question 3: How do you know you're done? Do you inspect the damage done to the TP and gauge it that way? Do you do it based on feel? Do you wipe until there's no more brown on the TP? If you do do it more than once, aren't you concerned about clogging the John?

Again, its all about the feel.

Question 4: Do you wash your hands? With soap? With hand sanitizer? With your pants? If not, is it because you like to sniff your fingers throughout the day because you lack the ability to fart on command and get lonely when you're without that, "Oh, that was a little wet," scent?

Always with soap. If my fingers came in contact with anything other than the toilet paper, one can bet I'll be using the sink for a while.

[parkerbink]

Feel free to add questions if you think I'm missing something.:D

Something is absolutely missing I am hoping is is just that you are bored.

Lotta typing & funny idea, I'll give you that.

[DarkWing6]

I'm always up for a good convorsation about dumping. Here goes!

Question 1: How much paper; do you use a lot or a little? If you use a little amount, aren't you afraid of touching residues of shit with your bare hand? If you use a lot, do you ever wonder how much extra money you spend a year on TP to satisfy your needs? Do you count the squares you use, or just 'wing it?' And finally, do you fold the squares neatly or wad it up like a piece of trash?

I use a decent amount neatly folded. I usually wrap it around my hand two to three times (depending on how messy the canyon seems). This gives me a nice sturdy tool to clean up with. I never worry about the amount of moey spent on TP becasue it is a precious thing. NEVER CHEAP OUT ON TP. Always purchase the two-ply name brand stuff.

Question 2: What is your angle of attack? Do you swoop around the side and go back to front? Front to back? While on the can or off? Do you bend over like a cripple and reach through your legs to get the treasure? Maybe you do something odd, like stand up and do it. Do you wipe at all?

The angle of attack is almost always a nice smooth front to back while slightly lifted off of the seat. This allows for maximum wipage.

Question 3: How do you know you're done? Do you inspect the damage done to the TP and gauge it that way? Do you do it based on feel? Do you wipe until there's no more brown on the TP? If you do do it more than once, aren't you concerned about clogging the John?

Checking the TP until it is clean is the only way to fly here though this still works hand in hand with feel. Feel will gauge how much TP I will be going with, but a clean wipe must always be the final pass.

Question 4: Do you wash your hands? With soap? With hand sanitizer? With your pants? If not, is it because you like to sniff your fingers throughout the day because you lack the ability to fart on command and get lonely when you're without that, "Oh, that was a little wet," scent?

Washing my hands with foamy soap from Bath and Body Works is a must. Nothing beats walking out after a nice dump than having the smell of Sweet Pea on your hands.

[imsotyerred]

Question 1:
i fell that i use a medium amount. i don't count squares, but i tend to take 5-6. I was taught at a young age to fold twice..by my uncle. he molestered me.

Question 2:
i tend to dip it back as if i were picking a wedgie and wipe front to back.

Question 3:
i inspect the paper for any doodoo left on the sheet; when there is none, I'm done! i'm a big boy now! i've never clogged the john before (except once on a boat...boat toilets+big turd=no go)

Question 4:
cleanliness is godliness! i wash with soap and water and then dry on my pants. with cafeteria food, you don't need to worry about not farting on command....

[browntown]

OK, just did the morning poop, to solve this riddle. I definitely have a procedure.

1st of all, I have a history of hemorrhoids, that can be incredibly painful and the surgery is horrible if it gets that far. Sitting on a donut for days whilst bleeding out yer ass is horrible. Eat fiber, don't force, don't sit on the can for long periods reading.

Back on topic.

I wipe back to front while seated. Ask any girl however and they're always told front to back to not sweep dirt into the kitchen.

I fold my name brand super soft TP, about 4 or 6 squares first pass, less on subsequent passes.

I check the tp to verify that the job is done.

Then, I hit the whole area with a flushable wipe, to disinfect and moisturise.

Then I take a shower. Always poop before the morning shower, no risk of smelly ass through the day, and I generally only poop in the morning. I'm like clockwork.

Key's to getting the morning poop ready to go: caffeine and cigarettes --- sti mulants make you shit, ask anyone that has done blow.

Oh yeah, wash your hands thoroughly.

[permit]

This is so awesome.