The Official "How Do You Wipe Your Ass" Thread

[permit]

I'm not gonna lie, I thought this would become a sticky.

[blunttech]

I'm not gonna lie, I thought this would become a sticky.

i still think its got a shot at "sticky" but we need to turn it into an instructional thread with pics ,charts and diagrams. i think that might do it

[Jscotty]

Well I need to get some instruction on how to avoid skid marks... er ummm.. for a friend.. YEAH.. that's it. I need to know how to help him with his skid mark problems.

I was in the library the other day and I decided to get a book on the origination of toilet paper. I was surprised to discover that the concept is less than 50 years old.. but it makes me wonder how people managed to handle this situation over the last 400 years or so.

Granted I understand that people used leaves, rags, or even their own hand but it would seem to me that someone would have eventually figured out that there was a better way of handling this task.

[rede30]

Granted I understand that people used leaves, rags, or even their own hand but it would seem to me that someone would have eventually figured out that there was a better way of handling this task.

Or some places still dont use TP. India uses a water system, either a bucket with a cup to splash the corn hole or in nicer places, a hand hose to spray the ish out. The hose system sounds good to me once you get the technique down.

[JGood]

Do you prefer the leading edge of the paper to roll down the front (overhand) or have to reach under the roll and drag it out from behind to unravel it (underhand)?

[Funkmasta]

Do you prefer the leading edge of the paper to roll down the front (overhand) or have to reach under the roll and drag it out from behind to unravel it (underhand)?

Overhand 100%

[blunttech]

Or some places still dont use TP. India uses a water system, either a bucket with a cup to splash the corn hole or in nicer places, a hand hose to spray the ish out. The hose system sounds good to me once you get the technique down.

while in theory this sounds plausible, ive wiped my ass a few times in my life where it is so greasy it just keeps moving up the anal crack and before you know it you are wiping your shoulder blades. perhaps a better solution would be to incorporate a "pre cleaning hose" that shot the brown eye with a healthy dose of jet fuel or castrol super clean seconds prior to the pressure wand doing its magic.

[325Projectz]

shoulder blades!

:rofl:

[euroshark]

Question 1: How much paper; do you use a lot or a little? If you use a little amount, aren't you afraid of touching residues of shit with your bare hand? If you use a lot, do you ever wonder how much extra money you spend a year on TP to satisfy your needs? Do you count the squares you use, or just 'wing it?' And finally, do you fold the squares neatly or wad it up like a piece of trash?

Folded, at least doubled over, if not trippled, flat from the palm to the finger tips. Maximum surface area, minimum chance of getting a chocolate covered pretzel.

Question 2: What is your angle of attack? Do you swoop around the side and go back to front? Front to back? While on the can or off? Do you bend over like a cripple and reach through your legs to get the treasure? Maybe you do something odd, like stand up and do it. Do you wipe at all?

Contrary to what seems to be popular here, I alternate front-to-back and back-to-front, usually finishing with a front-to-back, reaching around the side while bent over like a cripple... lol... It seems to be the most effective.

Question 3: How do you know you're done? Do you inspect the damage done to the TP and gauge it that way? Do you do it based on feel? Do you wipe until there's no more brown on the TP? If you do do it more than once, aren't you concerned about clogging the John?

Inspection, I'll easily go 4 or 5 rounds to make sure the blast zone is decontaminated.

Question 4: Do you wash your hands? With soap? With hand sanitizer? With your pants? If not, is it because you like to sniff your fingers throughout the day because you lack the ability to fart on command and get lonely when you're without that, "Oh, that was a little wet," scent?

lmao, that's so awesome... I do wash my hands, especially if I get a poke-through because I'm really going for it. One more reason to keep your fingernails nice and short :eeek:

Almost forgot to add that this is by far the best, and oddly, most refreshing post in a long time!

[JasonC]

What if there is no TP? Then what do you use, shower curtain?

[euroshark]

I loved having the detachable shower head thingie with the hose... I would always hang my ass over and blast it... But we moved and now I am not so fortunate.

[JasonC]

I loved having the detachable shower head thingie with the hose... I would always hang my ass over and blast it... But we moved and now I am not so fortunate.

At least you have a shower, i worked with a guy that did not have running water in his house. So he always took a bath in the creek behind his house. In the winter time he'd make a skunk puke from his smell.

[JGood]

Am I the only one that goes straight for the nucleus and attacks it with a circular motion that initially spreads the shat, but breaks it from it's source for easier overall cleanup?

[permit]

Yes.

Oh, and I discovered wet wipes.

[f u z z]

i don't whipe. i like mine all red and irritated.