The Official "How Do You Wipe Your Ass" Thread

[blunttech]

if im alone im a sit n wipe kind of guy. i raise the right cheek and go at it like a miner after the gold. but if there are people over or my wife i will always ask for a courtesy spread. where someone comes in and spreads the cheeks for you. this frees up both hands for the two fisted wipe

[MikeE30325i]

Question 1: How much paper; do you use a lot or a little? If you use a little amount, aren't you afraid of touching residues of shit with your bare hand? If you use a lot, do you ever wonder how much extra money you spend a year on TP to satisfy your needs? Do you count the squares you use, or just 'wing it?' And finally, do you fold the squares neatly or wad it up like a piece of trash?

lots of paper, possibly ten to twelve sheets. folded neatly into a rectangle.


Question 2: What is your angle of attack? Do you swoop around the side and go back to front? Front to back? While on the can or off? Do you bend over like a cripple and reach through your legs to get the treasure? Maybe you do something odd, like stand up and do it. Do you wipe at all?

standing up, slightly bent over with my back at a 50 degree angle knees slightly bent. front to back.


Question 3: How do you know you're done? Do you inspect the damage done to the TP and gauge it that way? Do you do it based on feel? Do you wipe until there's no more brown on the TP? If you do do it more than once, aren't you concerned about clogging the John?

wipe until the tp is still white.


Question 4: Do you wash your hands? With soap? With hand sanitizer? With your pants? If not, is it because you like to sniff your fingers throughout the day because you lack the ability to fart on command and get lonely when you're without that, "Oh, that was a little wet," scent?

wash with hot ass water and some pink soap.


What would you guys define as standing to wipe? I'm not sure if I am a stander or a sitter really. Would standing be fully up knees amost completely unbent? How would you actually wipe if your cheeks never left the seat, through your legs? I lift from the seat but don't fully stand. I couldn't imagine going all the way up. Discuss.

i think i do it the same way you do. cause if you are fully standing then your butt cheeks mash together and smear the treasure around.

another question. where is your favorite or most commonly used toilet that you can feel comfortable using BESIDES YOUR OWN TOILET IN YOUR HOUSE?

[s0urce]

Someone had to post it.


who is this tool

[MikeE30325i]

LOL ^^^^ you alright dude? looks like some messy flow.

[mtechnik]

if im alone im a sit n wipe kind of guy. i raise the right cheek and go at it like a miner after the gold. but if there are people over or my wife i will always ask for a courtesy spread. where someone comes in and spreads the cheeks for you. this frees up both hands for the two fisted wipe

:rofl:

[Funkmasta]

if im alone im a sit n wipe kind of guy. i raise the right cheek and go at it like a miner after the gold. but if there are people over or my wife i will always ask for a courtesy spread. where someone comes in and spreads the cheeks for you. this frees up both hands for the two fisted wipe

For the love of god, just dont fall during this maneuver.

[permit]

That picture is too classic, congrats man.

[Jand3rson]

I am the King of Regularity...ask anyone who knows me.

Wheaty Fuckers FTW.

[JPL]

quick someone needs to start a "How to clean up vomit" thread.

[FredK]

How much paper; do you use a lot or a little?

This is entirely dependent on brand.

I use precisely the amount required to swab the decks. This includes factoring in intersheet frictional coefficient, which is affected by ridges and surface roughness, and paper absorbency estimation by feel.

Maximum cleaning effectiveness depends on high friction between the multiple layers. If they slip because the brand of paper is cheap, then your cleaning effectiveness is reduced. If you live in the third world like Smoodiver then you have to resort to extreme countermeasures, such as crumpling, in order to increase the mechanical coupling between layers of tissue.

For unknown brands of tissue, I use a continuous feedback loop to whittle down the amount of paper used.

Yes, this was very wordy. But, these thought processes happen immediately. I have very sensitive fingers. Just ask your mom.

[JGood]

I've been known to over use toilet paper. I will wipe and wipe until my arm hurts. I've fallen victim to a rather unfortunate variant of swamp ass one to many times soon after a shit, and things get out of control very quickly. So now I've begun using nearly half a roll of toilet paper (depending on single or double ply, and overall thickness).

I also move while I wipe. I find a stationary standing or sitting does not allow for thorough cleansing. I'll begin by a nearly sitting position, arm through the front, and pull forward while standing up. This allows the cheecks to clasp together and create a pinching force on the paper that works flawlessly. A word of caution, though: Your entire hand and lower arm will need to be covered in toilet paper in order for this to not get messy. It usually stays on the main 1-2 squares, but sometimes you will get an unpleasant surprise if not properly prepared. Once perfected, however, you will have a spotless ass, ready for any 90 degree car rides or anything else that creates severe swamp ass, which can wreak havoc on a non-clean rearmost-grundle area.

[turbo_negro69]

oh man i can't stop laughing!!:rofl: :rofl:

I use a lot of toilet paper, usually i wrap it around my hand 6-7 times them I remove my hand and its like a smal fluffy pillow, then wipe front to back.

for the last wipe I wet the toilet paper and and go back to front THEN front to back! (have to account for the ass hairs holding poop)
not every bathroom has baby wipes BUT there's always water!

I wipe standing up with my knees bent and leaning forward.

I wipe till the TP is clean.

always wash up with soap and water

my favorite toilet to use BESIDES my own at home.....is the back office bathroom at work, nice and quiet, strong fan to pull out the stink, and there is lots of reading material.

[325Projectz]

I just got done dropping a huge deuce, the thing was like a monkeys tail, or basically a tres.

Minutes before it felt like Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris were going at it in my stomach, enter the dragon style.

It only took a good 3 wipes because that terd was stiff as tree bark, I thought it was going to be a wet one.

Hold on... I think I hear my toilet crying. I should go check on it.

[permit]

Sounds like you're gonna have to bleach the bathroom again....

[turbo_negro69]

here's another question for you's guys.

How long is your average dump?
mine are about 15 minutes

What is your "NORMAL" pooping time? in other words how ruglar are you?

In the AM right before i shower. very regular!