Your worst deuce experience? NWS?

[Cletonius]

Flashback to when I was 14 and on a mid-winter boyscout hiking trip....

We were congregated in an outbuilding at a driving range where one of the scout leaders worked to warm up. Maybe too much hot cocoa or something but I got the urge like never before. I was told the nearest toilet was across the range so I took off running in blowing snow to find it. Once I got there it wasn't much better than being outdoors and shitting in the wind and snow but I unleash anyways. There's no paper or anything to wipe with so I start looking around. After a few minutes pondering whether to use my underwear I spot something tucked into a corner. It was a pair of sweatpants that looked like it had seen better days; they were covered in pine needles and cobwebs. I flipped them inside out, wiped and tossed them into the pit toilet when I was done. I ended up having to sacrifice half of a sock (cut it with my scout knife) to finish because I ran out of "clean" spots on the sweatpants.

I always carry a handkerchief now just in case.

[ClassicPurcell]

Last Summer, I was mountain biking in PA with some friends. Throughout the entire day I had felt like I needed to go, but I figured that I could hold it till we got back to the campsite, which had an outhouse. Before we decided to return to the campsite, we found a ski resort that was currently not being used. We decided to bike down a ski slope.

While going down the ski slope, the need to go became more obvious. About 3/4 the way down the slope I felt that I couldn't take it anymore. I slowed down from about 30mph to 15, ditched the bike, and ran into the woods. I got about 3 feet into the woods, leaned up against a tree, and went. The sense of relief was indescribable. But, the only thing I could wipe with was ferns. The ride back to the campsite was extremely painful, the ferns fell apart while I was wiping.

Also, the next day we were packing up to go back home. We found that we still had a half bottle of Sri-Racha hot sauce, and I decided to chug it. I chugged the hot sauce, and destroyed a gas station bathroom about a half hour later.

I left an "i'm sorry" note on top of the paper towel dispenser.

[MaksV]

there is absolute win in this thread.

[Pac1373]

Once, long ago I was dating a really hot punk chick, as she was our bands only "official" groupie it was my turn to date her,and as a member of "legitimate Denunciation" it was my duty to do so. she invited me to her house which was two towns and a city away from my home, I said "sure"

I had to take 4 connecting buses and have her dad come in from Beaumont to pick me up, it was a long trip across the entire city. during my Journey, I had stopped in a 7-11 and picked up a couple of their Microwave "soggy burgers" (Circa 1991, they were toxic, but a young skate-punks best deal for the dollar) and a super big gulp of pepsi.

After arriving to her house, she offered me some "poppers" http://www.google.ca/url?sa=t&rct=j&...v8xmKjFlr27oNg

which I inhaled greedily while we listened to some choice music and made out a little, I felt some light rumblings from below, but chose to ignore it Knowing that would be a huge female boner kill to excuse myself for a shit-break...

her dad busted up our make out session and we decided to go for a walk.

we were perhaps 5 minutes into our walk, holding hands and talking about how wonderful she thought Morrisy was and how she was utterly infatuated with him, and suddenly I have this side clutching spazam of agony that nearly doubles me over.

she asks me if I am "OK"?

I, as a young fool who should have known better says "yes"...

I suggest that perhaps, we ought to head back to her house, which she agrees to. We start back.
by this point, I am counting every step trying to "think positively" and am attempting some serious hail Mary, Mind over matter shit...
to no avail,
my guts are roiling like class five rapids, and I have started to perspire heavily, my anal sphincter is puckering uncontrollably now, threatening to release pressurized squirts of liquid fecal death into my shorts with every step.

We have cut through an elementary school ground and are just passing the side of the school when she looks at me and asks me if I am feeling “Ok” again?

I look at her, my face pained, and no doubt some odd shade of green, sweat running from my forehead down my cheeks, half limping and partially doubled over an whisper “I’m Sorry”

I dart into the school doorway alcove, struggling to drop my Trousers to a safe height, do a 180* turn and Squat all in one motion and have nearly tripped myself when the eruption occurred.

I felt panic.

I knew right away there was no way that all the mandatory zones were safely out of the blast radius.

It was just to violent of an explosion.

Liquid shit splattered across the pavement, partialy across one wall of the alcove and about a third of the way up the door to the school. Beads of shit had litteraly plattered anything in about an 8foot radiaus, like a frag grenade.

The effect was brutal.

The relief was immediate, but the reality of what had just happened was gripped me instantly.

I looked up to see a girl with a look of utter disgust mixed with horror on her face. She had witnessed something so horrifying it appeared to have aged her at least 5 years.

Her jaw hung open, and about that time the smell hit her.

She gagged savagely and nearly vomited right there. I heard her whimper a little.

I was at a total loss for words, but had begun now to search for wiping material, I found nothing but my shorts, which had not made it this far unscathed anyhow, they were sacrificed but insufficient to remediate the sticky smelly mess

I lost both socks that day as well.

After the immediate clean up, and the humiliating silent walk back to her house, and a subsequent ½ hour more in-depth clean up with soap and water in her downstairs bathroom, it was mutually decided it was time to go home.

We climbed into her dad’s regular cab pick truck up and were hardly out of the driveway when he asked
“What in the fuck is that smell, it smells like pig shit in here?”. after about 3 minutes of him going on about the smell, I volunteered that perhaps it was me as I had had an incident earlier in the day, and must have missed a spot during my clean up”

The rest of the drive was silent and uncomfortable and foul smelling .

She broke up with me 2 days later, I don’t know why…

[slammin.e28]

My friends and I used to take dumps and send pictures to each other.

*Beep beep beep*

"AWWEEEE UGHGHHHHHHHH........"

I was pretty great times.

[InuFaye]

used to?

[slammin.e28]

I effectively don't have a phone anymore.

[e30trooper]

lol wut

[urbancynic]

I figure I might add that after my surgery in December, it has been discovered that I can no longer eat salad. Tried it a few times and within 30 minutes I have to run to the nearest toilet and drop trow. I have actually found pieces of lettuce in the toilet bowl afterwards... Typically that's all that's in the bowl if I eat salad.

[nickflic3]

I knew right away there was no way that all the mandatory zones were safely out of the blast radius.

It was just to violent of an explosion.

Liquid shit splattered across the pavement, partialy across one wall of the alcove and about a third of the way up the door to the school. Beads of shit had litteraly plattered anything in about an 8foot radiaus, like a frag grenade.

The effect was brutal.

The relief was immediate, but the reality of what had just happened was gripped me instantly.

I looked up to see a girl with a look of utter disgust mixed with horror on her face. She had witnessed something so horrifying it appeared to have aged her at least 5 years.

Her jaw hung open, and about that time the smell hit her.

She gagged savagely and nearly vomited right there. I heard her whimper a little.

Mother of God.

I just about fell out my chair laughing and my dad is sitting close by wondering wth is so funny

[E30_Pare]

^this.

I'm at a lose of words. Incredible shit man. Literally

[m73m95]

Quality post bro.

[StealthiE30]

Definitely not my worst, but this morning i was so clogged up from yesterdays festivities that i blacked out while on the crapper. I woke up to find that all my efforts were to no avail..

[E30_Pare]

Lol wut ^

[StealthiE30]

I blacked out trying to push a duece out, woke up and there was nothing in the toilet....