The Official "How Do You Wipe Your Ass" Thread

[JGood]

Question 1: How much paper; do you use a lot or a little? If you use a little amount, aren't you afraid of touching residues of shit with your bare hand? If you use a lot, do you ever wonder how much extra money you spend a year on TP to satisfy your needs? Do you count the squares you use, or just 'wing it?' And finally, do you fold the squares neatly or wad it up like a piece of trash? **Bonus points: do you use baby wipes?**

Question 2: What is your angle of attack? Do you swoop around the side and go back to front? Front to back? While on the can or off? Do you bend over like a cripple and reach through your legs to get the treasure? Maybe you do something odd, like stand up and do it. Do you wipe at all?

Question 3: How do you know you're done? Do you inspect the damage done to the TP and gauge it that way? Do you do it based on feel? Do you wipe until there's no more brown on the TP? If you do do it more than once, aren't you concerned about clogging the John?

Question 4: Do you wash your hands? With soap? With hand sanitizer? With your pants? If not, is it because you like to sniff your fingers throughout the day because you lack the ability to fart on command and get lonely when you're without that, "Oh, that was a little wet," scent?

Feel free to add questions if you think I'm missing something.

:D

BUMP.

Maybe the new guys have something to add.

[permit]

I can't believe this thread reached six pages. I posted it as a joke due to all the "The Official _______ Thread" threads.

[xLibelle]

you want a disturbing thread with interesting results? i saw this on another board i resided at:
someone post an anonymous poll to see the % of those that pee in the shower.
The results may surprise you.

[Mulholland]

the trick is definitely to firmly plant one ass cheek then lean towards the other before sitting so as to achieve maximum shit to cheek clearance once fully seated. Once this is achieve, it is recommended that you lean forwards, elbows on the knees, fingers basketweaved together in a large fist, to require minimum force. At this point the shit should slip out, clearing the ass cheeks, for a perfect 10 points for style, and entry into the bowl, with minimum backsplash. However if you do not lean forward to promote easeless shit expellation, you will most likely find out the temperature of the water, however you may decide to perfect the splash to enhance the wiping that will now commence.

Toilet paper use is up to you, I use a generous amount, folded for maximum surface area to butthole ratio. All of you wadders have crusty ass hair and you know it. If you did all of this right, you should end up with a fairly clean first front to back pass, but if you folded like you should have, you may now easily reconfigure the fold for a clean rewipe. folding saves you the trouble of unspooling more two-ply.

Wash your hands if you like, I don't care. I wash my hands after I crap but not after I work on a car. I usually just wipe them off with a wipe after working on a car, that way later in the day when you goto pick the crud from under your nail with your teeth you go "mmm e30 grease" you know it's yummy.

Wadders are wasters. Happy crapping guys.

P.S.

Flush the fucking toilet you dick.

[mtechnik]

Thread revival Batman





and Mullholand doesn't shower correctly.

[Mulholland]

Thread revival Batman





and Mullholand doesn't shower correctly.

...naked with soap and hot water?:loco:

[mtechnik]

...naked with soap and hot water?:loco:

Was referring the crusty ass hair claim you made :D

[Mulholland]

...crusty ass hair is a known side effect of poor ass wiping skills. Residual day old ultra crusty ass hair is a side effect of not whiping it right then not showering right. I'm just saying, your lady says you should use wet wipes because whatever is going on, you got megabuttcrustwtf besh.

[mrsleeve]

Dunt dunt dahhhhhh



to go with manics pants on pants off thread






I knew it was in here somewhere

[Joe G]

bravo. Bump of the week goes to MR. Sleeve

[cabriodster87]

An alternate method:http://gizmodo.com/236933/kohler-c3-...gadgetsgadgets

[ALYKZANDYR]

What we need is a robotic arm that deploys from the toilet bowl that has a rotating cleaning implement on it, sort of like a buffer for car wax, but much smaller you control the arm with a joy stick and there is also a video screen on the arm head so you can see what your doing. rotating speed of the cleaning implement is controlled by a foot pedal.

It allows the user to clean and massage their butt hole, and after use the cleaning implement is automatically inserted into an auto washing pod much like a braun shaver. Clean and fresh for use again.

[u3b3rg33k]

Better keep your robo arm angular velocity in check, or it'll be shooting poo all over the room.

And unless I missed it, NO ONE uses the good, old fashioned bidet for post wipeage cleanup?

I've always thought the gadgety (japanese?) style bidet's might not do enough without some post poopin' wipin'

[Pac1373]

I can hook up any r3v member that wants one with special pricing on a Toilet with built in Bidet function,the bidet arm swings away under the rim of the seat when not in use, it also has temperature selections for the water, and features pre programable MP3 music selections for your shitting enjoyment, AND get this,

colour changing LED lights that light up the water spot and give you a "night light" function.

totally true man, no lies.

lemme kno' about $3000 USD, plush shipping...lol and it isnt even the most expensive one

[grahamsy2k]

Pictures??